Load up your muskets! Ready your bayonets! And tell Aunt Clara to put a pot of stew on the fire so we can fill our bellies tonight. Because guess what, folks? There’s apparently a civil war happening tomorrow, according to everyone’s favorite liberal-hater Alex Jones, who proclaimed this fact as “BREAKING NEWS!” on his own show InfoWars.
The Trump-loving conspiracy theorist spewed this buffoonery in a video that he himself tweeted out on July 1. And this lunacy journalistic claim isn’t new, as he also put out a video in February with the headline: “BREAKING! TOP DEMOCRATS CALL FOR CIVIL WAR” as well as another entitled “BREAKING! LEFT OPENLY PLANNING CIVIL WAR” last September. Man, for a journalist of such integrity and high esteem, he sure uses “BREAKING!” a lot.
Anyway.
We all know where this is going next, and for that we are grateful. Because there’s no better place to mock such ridiculous claims than where all the funniest people in the world hang out—Twitter.
It was hard to narrow this list down, because, well, frankly, we live in the upside down now and satire is real life, especially on the Twitterverse. But here are 15 of our favorite #secondcivilwarletters written in response to tomorrow’s impending doom. Be safe out there, friends. And don’t forget your canteen and hardtack.
Wife, Morale was low, as expected. It is a hard won battle when the foe has a lowness of character equal only to lowness of IQ, but we heartened quickly with a clever prank: we leaked our meeting would be at the “wall Mexico paid for” They search still #secondcivilwarletters
— Amanda Deibert 🏳️🌈 (@amandadeibert) July 3, 2018
Dear Mom and Dad,
We’ve put out the word that they’re, there, and their all have different meanings. We hold out hope that our message will be heard.
Yours truly,
The dictionary#SecondCivilWarLetters— Dictionary.com (@Dictionarycom) July 3, 2018
Dearest Regular Life,
I miss you so. Our lives were full of logic and fact and now I’m battling flat earthers and anti vaccine believers. Skirmish yesterday with some of Alex Jones’s troops. They ran when I shook a science book at them. #secondcivilwarletters— Lisa Stewart (@holachola) July 3, 2018
Dearest,
I am okay. I was almost captured by a curly hair blonde girl with an AR-15. But she was just taking selfies with the gun so I was able to escape.
Best,
— Tony Posnanski (@tonyposnanski) July 3, 2018
Fire of My Soul, We had a stunning victory over the redcaps today. Our correspondences are rendered illegible by the opposition anytime we use words with more than three syllables. We call it the “Decasyllable Offensive” #secondcivilwarletters
— Amanda Deibert 🏳️🌈 (@amandadeibert) July 3, 2018
My dear love:
I never seen this much terror & anguish in my life. The redcaps still taunt us with their “snowflake” and “libtard”, I suggest we build a wall out of Hilary’s e-mails since the can’t get over them. #secondcivilwarletters— Chris Wilson (@fballjones) July 3, 2018
Dear father,
I’ve arrived at the outpost. No one seems to be here. Are you sure you sent me the right coordinates?
Awaiting further instructions.
I’m so lonely.
#secondcivilwarletters pic.twitter.com/AFyEktNFOV— InsaneClownPresident (@InsaneClownPrez) July 3, 2018
Dearest,
We took Mar-A-Lago today. I got a bad tiki torch burn on my arm, but good news: the RedHats left behind a batch of Covfefe as they fled. Tonight, we feast on the cakes they refused to bake for gay people. All my love.#secondcivilwarletters— Haegtessa (@HalseyKallinen) July 3, 2018
Dearest Husband,
Our mission is completed; we have entered the trailers of the Red Hats and located their sources of “information.” After changing the channel from FOX to the BET, we removed the batteries from their remotes.— Beverley Dragon (@BeverleyDragon) July 3, 2018
My Dearest Billy,
The war will be over soon as the Red Hats are starting to run out of coal and refuse to use solar or wind to light up Fort Hobby Lobby. Tell Paw that General Clinton is safe, they were unable to lock her up. #SecondCivilWarLetters— Julie Brown (@jujub41482) July 3, 2018
General Acosta:
Intelligence reports indicate that if we can pin down Colonel Sanders in her White House encampment and make her answer a question, it’s almost certain to make her head explode. Godspeed and Good Luck Sir! #secondcivilwarletters
— Steve Redmond (@sjredmond) July 3, 2018
General: We are under heavy ALL CAPS assault. We suspect it is the Limbaugh brigade. Please send grammar police immediately. #secondcivilwarletters
— TheDuMont (@TheDuMont1) July 3, 2018
Dearest Ma, News from the front we have barricaded ourselves in a amazon warehouse and created a solid WALL with the vast supply of unordered Sean Spicer books. #secondcivilwarletters. Sally
— Kriste Remembers (@maxepaws) July 3, 2018
Dearest Jared, please know that father has high hopes for you to end this war. Also I might be leaving you for @JustinTrudeau. Love Ivanka #secondcivilwarletters
— Molly Jong-Fast (@MollyJongFast) July 3, 2018
My darling wife–
Red Hats surrounded our #lesbian regiment this morn.
We captured a full phalanx of prisoners, now guarded in
a tent.
Intermitently they call out “You just haven’t met the right one!” and we all laugh as we set our next battle plan.
xo#secondcivilwarletters— Victoria Brownworth (@VABVOX) July 3, 2018
What will you write home to your dear sweet loved ones as you enter battle tomorrow? I’ll sure miss my fam, but I’m prepared with scientific facts about global climate change, a giant pile of birth control (in various forms), and you can be damn sure I’m donning my RBG “I Dissent” earrings. That’s all the weaponry I’ll need to get back home safely.
Hope Aunt Clara’s stew is ready. I’m hangry.