Yay! It’s my favorite non-commercialized, totally meaningful, no-pressure holiday! Ha. KIDDING.
Do I really HATE Valentines Day? Actually no. Any excuse for a bottle of wine and some take-out sushi is a good excuse, in my book. But it really is one of those random, nonsensical holidays (and by holidays, I mean “holidays” in exaggerated air quotes) that just puts pressure on people to prove their love, when they probably already prove it year-round. Like Hey, I took out the trash last week, so…. am I good on the no-card / no-gift front? And, honestly, even if you did do it up fancy-chocolate / diamond necklace-style before having kids, you know that ship has sailed.
Truth be told, if you’re married with kids, you can probably relate to these funny people on Twitter, gourmet V-Day cooking and all.
[plans on making wife dinner for Valentine’s Day] [shakes box to see if there’s enough Frosted Flakes left]
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 14, 2017
Not murder = love. It says so in the dictionary.
Marriage means not having to say I love you on Valentine’s Day. Instead you show it by not murdering one another for breathing too loud.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) February 1, 2018
Which of these options is hotter? Can’t tell. Both HAWT. Dude, if you use your tax return money to BUY the washer/dryer, she may spontaneously orgasm right there in Home Depot.
This is Mel and I discussing our Valentine’s Day plans in case you are wondering what 13 years of marriage actually looks like. pic.twitter.com/8oQAo4aJTN
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) February 8, 2018
Everyone wins in this scenario.
Friend: Do you and your husband celebrate Valentine’s Day?
Me: No. I honor Saint Valentine by buying myself a new pair of shoes for my daughter’s Valentines Box.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) February 1, 2018
Coworker: “What are you and your husband doing on Valentine’s Day?”
Me: “Probably disappointing each other.”
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) February 13, 2015
And now Mama’s gonna get herself that teeth whitening kit she’s had her eyes on. THAT’S LOVE.
Husband gave me a beautiful Valentine’s Day card AND the CVS ExtraBucks for $7 that came with it so don’t you tell me romance is dead.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) February 14, 2017
I’m a low maintenance spouse.
People say Valentine’s Day is all about chocolates, roses and sexy lingerie. But I’m fine if she gets me just the chocolates.
— TheAlexNevil (@TheAlexNevil) February 14, 2017
We’re not, right? Not doing gifts, right? So no gifts, right? Are we doing gifts?
*Nervously verifies with wife everyday that we aren’t exchanging Valentine’s gifts*
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 13, 2017
Any breakfast I don’t have to cook is romantic.
Making Eggs Benedict for my valentine this morning. Taking my marriage into the “Friends with Benedict” zone.
— α geek (@alfageeek) February 15, 2015
Yours and everyone else’s.
It’s Valentine’s Day again, or as my husband calls it, “huh?”
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) February 13, 2016
And use that same play for Mother’s Day too, mkay?
I’m not sure what my husband has planned for Valentine’s Day but I hope it involves him taking the kids & leaving me home alone.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 10, 2017
Because nothing kills the romance like two unexpected pink lines.
Most searched phrase related to Valentine’s Day for married people: “Most romantic local restaurant.”
Most searched phrase related to Valentine’s Day for parents: “DIY vasectomy.”
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) February 8, 2018
It’s in the cabinet. Like it ALWAYS IS. Sweetums.
For Valentine’s Day, I just want for my husband to find whatever it is that he’s looking for without my help.
— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) February 8, 2018
A good marriage kills two birds with one stone.
Him: We’re not doing this Valentine thing, right?
Me: Nah, but I found you a card in a stash I have.
Him: Can we both sign it?
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) February 14, 2016
Bargains ARE sexy.
If I buy my partner anything for Valentine’s Day, it will be on February 15th after it has been marked down to half price. Nothing gets her hotter than a bargain. #ValentinesDay #marriage #gaymarriage
— Amber Leventry (@AmberLeventry) February 8, 2018
It’s like nothing is good enough.
Women talk about how romantic a home-made Valentine is until you draw a heart on the back of the cable bill with a highlighter.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 14, 2017
So there you have it. Romance isn’t dead after marriage and kids. It’s just… modified. You can still get down and dirty in that short window between the kids’ bedtime and you both falling asleep on the couch in a pile of Dorito crumbs, watching The Walking Dead. Just remember to put on your fancy sweats that night. You know, to show you care.