For those of us who live in states with 4 seasons, we know winter arrives every December. We expect snow. We expect ice. We dig out our gloves and hats and snow boots and hatch our hibernation plans. But yet, every year, we are blindsided.
It’s one of those tricks we play on ourselves—like forgetting how hard labor is, or what it’s like to raise a 2-year-old, so we get knocked up again. Every November we ring in the fall and winter with our pumpkin spice lattes and pretty scarves and say silly things like, “Yay! Cooler temps are here! Can’t wait to make snowmen and drag out the sleds!” Ha. Because we are STUPID.
That recent cold snap that sucked in pretty much the entire country was… intense. “Cold snap” my ass. More like evil polar vortex of ice wind that lasted for a week. And my family celebrated much of it in the car due to our annual holiday road trip(s). Yes, plural. Our time on the open road, however, was made more fun by a game we called “watch the temperature drop.”
Ack! We lost another! It’s 3 degrees now!
There goes one more more! Down to 2!
Woohoo! Gained one! Back up to 3!
Aaaaaand lost it again.
By the time we pulled into our driveway, it was -4 degrees and our tires had frozen ice on them. Even though we had just driven 700 miles. WHUT.
And then Mother Nature was like, “Hahahaha did you think I was done? It’s only January, bitch. Here’s a BOMB CYCLONE for you.” What in the holy hell is a bomb cyclone?! How do those two words go together ever?
However, we can all find comfort in knowing we are not alone, as people around the country are suffering similar fates of frigid, tire-freezing temperatures and the wrath of Storm Grayson. And, of course, they turn to the bar where everyone knows their name (a.k.a. Twitter) to talk about it. Here are some of the funnies we found:
“Wow, it’s warm out.”
– words people say when it’s 21 degrees in a polar vortex.
— Jen Gregory (@therunawaymama) January 3, 2018
It’s so cold I told my wife it was okay to turn the thermostat up.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) December 28, 2017
2018, we need to talk. I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed. pic.twitter.com/yJODZ9Uiby
— α geek (@alfageeek) January 1, 2018
In good cold snap news, shivering supposedly burns calories.
— The Home Tome (@jocelynjanecox) January 3, 2018
Yay! It’s going to warm up to 9 degrees today!
-a thing I say now, apparently
— Karen Johnson (@21stcenturysahm) December 30, 2017
It’s been so cold in New Hampshire that the moose are looking longingly into people’s living rooms. pic.twitter.com/c94Cw5jUrm
— Liam Martin (@LiamWBZ) January 3, 2018
Really cold out there in parts of the country today. Layer up like Steve Bannon.
— Scott Johnson (@scottjohnson) January 3, 2018
Snow days are all about hot cocoa, cookies & playing, unless you live in my house & then it’s just 2 kids accusing each other of farting.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) November 26, 2014
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) January 4, 2018
Bomb cyclone: When a low pressure system drops 24 milibars in 24 hours or less.
Also, it’s what my newborn did in his diaper earlier today.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) January 4, 2018
#BombCyclone sounds like something that happens after I eat Taco Bell.
— michael (@xraymission) January 4, 2018
The Weather Channel is calling this snow storm “Grayson.” Apparently it has high winds, heavy snow and a sweater tied around its neck. pic.twitter.com/JD1n8E5snh
— David Wade (@davidwade) January 3, 2018
🌎 ❄️ 🌏 ❄️ 🌍 ❄️ 🌏
— Tom Hall ☘ (@TomHall) January 5, 2018
So there you have it. We are all stuck dealing with Mother Nature’s 3-month long PMS-ing wrath, apparently, unless you live in California or something. And if you do, you just SHUSH for a while, mkay?
Stay warm and stay safe, friends. I’m hunkered down under a heating blanket for the foreseeable future. Thank God for Twitter.