2016 the movie
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The ‘2016: The Movie’ Trailer Is Here and I For One Would Love a Full-Length Film

Remember way back in January 2016?

Back when we were so naive and hopeful. A time when a much larger percentage of the celebrities we love were still alive. The halcyon days of yore, when Donald Trump was still a terrible joke paving the way to our first woman president.

In the hindsight show reel of 2016, we are screaming at ourselves to not open that fucking door. Don’t go in there. RUN!

No matter how many times we try to warn ourselves, we know we sauntered right on into 2016 like it was our bitch.

Absent a timelord, we can’t change the past — but we can laugh about it, at least a little. The folks at Friend Dog Studios (do you not just love that name?!) have brought us this morbid recap of the year in the form of a horror movie trailer.

I found it both hilarious and strangely touching. I don’t even like horror movies but I still wanted this one to be real, if for no other reason than it is fun to commiserate with everyone else about how much this year sucked. Even if the annoying optimists keep telling us it wasn’t really that bad. YOU CAN’T TELL ME HOW TO FEEL!

It is only a trailer, and sometimes less is more, but still, there are a few scenes I would include in a full-length movie if such a thing were to exist:

Clowns, lots of clowns

Jurassic Park-esque mosquitoes attack the Olympic games in Brazil

A Gilmore Girls’ fan falls to her knees screaming after the final four words

Slow-take of a water bottle flipping in the air. How will it land? HOW WILL IT LAND?

The heroin is led into danger by a fake news story

Obama and Biden slow dance to Guy Love from Scrubs while, in the background, right-wing zealots with soulless stares move from a basket to a cabinet

A small boy with a smartphone discovers major plot point while searching for Pokemon

A copy of 1984 falls ominously from the bookshelf

Fin.

What scenes would you include? Which actor would you choose to portray you in the horror movie version of 2016?