Hell hath officially frozen over because guess who just released a Daily Devotional book? Caribou Barbie herself, Sarah Palin.

I peeked inside, y’all. It offers such inspired nuggets of bullshit wisdom as:

-Justification for Islamophobia

-Disdain for Immigrants

-Open Carry Enthusiasm

I wish I were kidding. Governor Arctic Asshat has decided she is now a Biblical scholar and can therefore disperse Divine insight to us commoners.

Context be damned, Preacher Palin insists that Jesus wants us to carry guns:

He said to them, “But now if you have a purse, take it, and also a bag; and if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one.”
Luke 22:36

I encourage people to carry a gun…because a cop is too heavy.

Jesus told His disciples to be ready to defend themselves. He wanted them armed in case they had to beat back thieves, cutthroats, and other bad guys. They didn’t hide their swords; they were, you might say, practitioners of open carry!

Today, remember that God always wants what is best for us – and that includes our safety. We should follow the example of His disciples and be ready to defend ourselves and our loved ones from evil.

According to Saint Sarah, Jesus is a huge fan of semi-automatic assault rifles (1 Remington 3:16).

Thaaaaat’s right. I totally forgot about the ancient Roman traditions of pistol whipping your enemies and busting a cap in Caesar’s ass.

And I guess I wasn’t paying attention in Sunday school when they told us about the drive-by shootings the disciples did.

“‘You tryna snitch on me, Pilate? Oh, hell naw.’ BANG BANG BANG. And then the little children came to Jesus, and he showed unto them his Winchester XPR.” -The Gospel of Glock AK:47

You know what? I do feel inspired and spiritual now, thank you for that, Sister Palin. Except nope.

Nope. Nope. Fuckity nope.

Sarah Palin may be an expert in “How to Coordinate Your Sears Optical Frames to Match Your Blazer” and “The 10 Best Hairsprays to Power Through Alaskan Humidity” and “Todd’s Top 5 Goatee Moments” and “How to Get Grandchildren From Your Unwed Daughter Through Abstinence-Only Education” and “The Best Baby Names That Also Sound Like Auto Parts (Trig, Track, Bristol, Piper)” but beyond that, she needs to shut her bear trap.

For the ACTUAL LOVE OF GOD, can we please leave theological instruction to properly trained theologians? Because I’m pretty sure The University of I Can See Russia From My Back Yard does not offer a PhD in Biblical Studies.

Moron.