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Beauty and the Beast: Gays Not Safe for Children, Bestiality Is Totally Cool, Though

You’d think Disney would have learned their lesson about acknowledging the presence of the gay agenda.

Remember when they offered the same benefits to same-sex couples as they did to straight couples and the Southern Baptists boycotted the whole corporation? It has taken them 20 years to recover. Disneys both World and Land fell into a dystopian landscape. Peter Pan and Mickey Mouse were seen on the street corner, needles in their arms, asking passersby if they would like to come chase the dragon to Neverland. Snow White turned to drugs as well, selling acid-laced apples to the heathens who dared to visit the wasteland once known as Disney.

What’s that you say? That never happened?

That’s right, I remember how it really went down. Southern Baptists got their panties in a wad about gay people getting health insurance and kept their kids away from the most magical place on earth. To be honest, I’m a little jealous, since that means they never once had to ride It’s a Small World. I will probably be the recipient of my own boycott when I say that I hate that fucking ride. I’ve been to Disney twice and, at both 8 and 34, all I could think was that this is the start of a horror movie where a bunch of animatronic children come to life and murder me on a tiny boat.

Photo credit: Walt Disney World Facebook

That was in 1997. Now, in 2017, you would assume we have moved past such worries. Unless you’ve been paying enough attention to see that homophobes are still out there, crying over spilled holy water because of the way other people love.

So, we have come full circle, and there is another boycott against Disney.

There is an internet petition out for all good Christians to boycott the new Beauty and the Beast movie. Not because they worry about the whole “princess falling in love with her captor” Stockholm syndrome thing, but because LeFour wants to get into Gaston’s pants.

A story about bestiality, and they are worried about what two dudes being attracted to each other will teach their children. One gay character out of 2938042938402 Disney movies is hardly pushing a “gay agenda.”

This time around, Emma Watson is playing Belle, and if anyone can add some feminism to the role, it’s her. She is also no stranger to the anger of the religious right, who were obviously entirely correct in their anger toward Harry Potter. I don’t know about you, but I’m totally a witch now.

According to the Washington Post, one theater in Alabama has gone so far as to refuse to show the movie, stating, “If I can’t sit through a movie with God or Jesus sitting by me then we have no business showing it.”

Personally, I’m wondering what God and Jesus are doing going to Disney movies. This is totally how Trump got elected, isn’t it? The holy trinity was busy watching Moana and straight-up ignoring American politics. It’s almost like they don’t actually care about the minutia of how we live our lives. Because I’m pretty sure if Trump and the neo-Nazis aren’t on their radar, then they are not too worried about the existence of love in different forms.

All that said, I totally support their right to boycott whatever they feel like. And if any of them secretly wants to indulge their love of Disney, maybe we can work out a trade: Chik-Fil-A nuggets for a ticket to Beauty and the Beast?