The most important part of motherhood is how you look while doing it. Sure, we would like to imagine that the little people we are raising are going to turn out well, but how much control do we really have over that? For the purposes of this piece, I’m going to go with very little. What we do have control over: being a cool mom. Here is how:
1) Wear fashionable threads straight out the hospital gate
It’s a proven fact that babies are so in awe of nice clothes that they tend to spit up on them. Don’t let this discourage you should it occur. Babies consider that the ultimate sign of respect for coolness. You don’t even want to see what they do to frumpy moms.
2) Match outfits with your toddler
If you go this route, you need to commit. If that toddler gets a juice stain on the sleeve, you better work it and get that same juice stain. I’m not counting wine either, so nut up.
3) Have at least three pairs of Mom Jeans in your closet
What? I thought Jessica Simpson brought those back a few years ago. Are you sure? Ok, fine. I guess you have 0 pairs of Mom Jeans in your closet. Well, la dee dah for you.
4) Never raise your voice
Raising your voice causes your mouth to open wider, which in turn causes the skin around your mouth to stretch. This phenomenon could quickly cause wrinkles if you’re not careful. It’s much safer to whisper or ignore bad behavior.
5) Get matching tattoos with your little spawn
I advise waiting until age 7 for this. You want their skin to have time to callous over a little bit.
6) Take pictures (or it didn’t happen)
The only way to enjoy the moment is to have your phone out and to snap photos. Then tweet them, Facebook them, Instagram them, and if there is time, text them to a few people for good measure. Make sure your audience-I mean your friends- know you are really present in the moment with your child and enjoying every second.
7) Make sure every birthday beginning with the 1st is immaculate
There should be a theme, and that theme should be carried throughout the party. You will ruin your child’s life if the party is not properly decorated and executed. More importantly, you will look incompetent. All the cool moms know the first party is the measure by which you will be judged for years to come. Make it work!
8) Get crafty
Hopefully after whittling the baby’s crib from a single birch tree, you were able to learn a little something about crafting. You didn’t whittle your baby’s crib?! Oh gosh, deep breath. That’s ok, you can still be fine. This will work out. You will just have to make some extra special crafty picture frames for the grandparents for Christmas, and it will be even. Do some handprint penguins on there for good measure.
9) Always have Starbucks in your hand
I’ll cut you some slack here and say it doesn’t always have to be a full coffee. You can carry around the empty, but still pretend to drink it occasionally. This will reinforce the coolness. Here is an easy way to remember this: the coffee used to be warm. It’s been with you awhile, so it’s cool. Ergo you are cool while you carry it. So simple.
10) If all else fails, get the t-shirt that says, “I’m not a Regular Mom, I’m a Cool Mom”
This concludes my step-by-step instructions to being a cool mom. Feel free to add your own tips so we can all be cool together. Or, wait, can that work? Can we all be cool? Still…
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