By Sarah Caughron of Sisterhood of the Training Pants
ATLANTA, GEORGIA, 7:04 AM EST
In Friday’s early-morning hours, officials are reporting a short-term power outage in one of Atlanta’s yuppie, in-town neighborhoods. Neighbors took to social media and flooded the virtual neighborhood watch site, Nextdoor, with alerts and notifications announcing the lack-of-energy apocalypse. There is no word yet from the mayor’s office as to when a state of emergency will be declared in the area.
It was a gruesome sight when officials arrived on the scene of one of the dark homes. A screen-obsessed four-year-old was found inconsolable in the fetal position on the kitchen floor, maniacally stroking his prized lovey because he was unable to watch hours of disturbing YouTube Kids surprise egg and blind bag videos, a treat he reports (through sobs) he earned for “staying on green all week” at school. This is a presumed behavior reinforcement commonplace in such households.
His displays of erratic outbursts took a turn when he realized that he not only couldn’t watch his videos, but he was also forced to eat a granola bar because there was no electricity available to prepare his routinely-scheduled feast of precisely-buttered English muffin with a side of hand-cut strawberries (No green tops. Ever!) and two, hand-picked Frozen-themed vitamins.
When asked about watching “Paw Patrol” instead of the tablet, he practically went unconscious when learning the television was also affected by this devastating short-term power loss. The four-year-old demanded justice:
“What are we going to do?” he pled.
“Who is going to fix this?” he implored.
Offers to play “Pop the Pig,” color in a coloring book, and play flashlight hide-and-seek were met with reactions of disgust and ingratitude by this unstable young man.
The matriarch of the family, weary and drinking what was presumed to be wine from an over-sized coffee mug, reported that she was unable to make her morning coffee and that cries of anguish from her older child were so loud that the commotion awoke the sleeping baby who was easy to stir because she had lost her comforting white noise when the power failed. The mother worries that if power is not restored soon, things will “get all Lord of the Flies up in here” and her children will rally in mutiny.
She has not confessed to her child that he could watch videos using her phone. Through shaken voice, she responded, “I’m not willing to let him stream that much data. We need to conserve our resources in these desperate hours.” She continues, “What if the power doesn’t come back on and I need to stream Netflix or scroll Facebook later? We are sticking to our emergency readiness plan.”
Her husband was unavailable for comment because he fled the scene early to avoid the impending breakdown of the enraged toddler as a result of this unprecedented outage. He was unable to be reached by phone and was presumed to be off someplace “pooping.”
Prayers and well-wishes for this modern urban family are appreciated.
Update: Power was restored a grueling 4 hours after this report was first published. If you or someone you love is a victim of short-term power loss, please know you are not alone. Both children have been placed in indefinite psychotherapy until fully recovered from the emotional scars left by this event. It is the family’s desperate hope they never face another short-term power and Internet loss in their future.
This post was originally published on Sisterhood of the Training Pants.
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About the Author
Sarah is an archaeologist and former museum minion giving it hell as a stay-at-home-mom in Atlanta, Georgia. She loves coffee, bad TV, and gin, but not necessarily in that order. When she isn’t battling a never-ending pile of laundry or wrangling two spirited children, she’s writing about life’s insights and indignities at her website The Sisterhood of the Training Pants. For something to read, check out the blog. For something to do, check out Camp Mom. Follow Sarah on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram.