By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
If you’ve been keeping up with any of the latest health trends, you’re well aware that people everywhere are looking to eat in a more natural and—most importantly—much trendier manner. I mean, what good is eating food if you can’t do so in a way that makes you feel far superior to all of your lowly, carb-indulgent Facebook friends?
But eating on fleek can be hard to do. It requires a lot of time, research, money, meal preparation, and general unhappiness. And with the holiday season almost upon us, ain’t nobody got time for that.
Luckily for you, we’ve thrown together this quick and easy* guide to preparing the ultimate paleo, raw, vegan, Whole 30, gluten-free, fat-free, soy-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, joy-free Thanksgiving meal.
*Neither “quick” nor “easy,” but research shows that 99% of Americans are lazy fucks who can’t resist reading anything containing these words
Turkey: We all know turkey is the bread and butter* of any Thanksgiving meal, so you’re really going to want to pay attention here. This may require some advance planning if you aren’t already raising your own free-range, cage-free, pasture-grazing, college-educated turkeys. First, you’re going to need to find a turkey egg. Don’t ask me where. I honestly don’t know where the fuck you get a turkey egg. Grocery stores only sell chicken eggs. But I’m guessing the egg should be brown. For some reason, brown eggs look inherently healthier than white eggs, especially on Insta.
*We would never condone eating actual bread and butter
Drop the egg in a glass of essential oils. It doesn’t really matter what specific oils you use, as long as they’re expensive as fuck and come in those cute little apothecary bottles. When you think it’s ready to hatch, call a turkey midwife to talk it through an all-natural, home-water hatching. Once that little motherfucker pops out of its shell, wrap it in a muslin cloth and feed it nothing but kale. You may consider wearing it close to your body in one of those fancy-ass ring slings. Give it at least four names, and make sure at least half of them contain an extraneous consonant and/or are difficult as fuck to pronounce. (Example: Beckett Flynn Levianawynnntha Fern)
When it’s old enough to survive on its own, set it free and eat any kale you have left over. What, did you seriously think we were going to condone the cold-blooded slaughter of an innocent living creature?
Stuffing: Prepare a box of classic Kraft Stove Top stuffing mix according to package directions. Take a few moments to inhale the luscious scent of all that buttery, carbalicious goodness. Then dump that shit straight in the trash. Not like you have a turkey to stuff anyway.
Mashed Potatoes: Turn on some James Brown and get your freak on doing the actual Mashed Potato dance. Bonus: You’ll burn a shit-ton of calories. Don’t even think about making actual mashed potatoes. No, seriously, don’t think about it. You probably gained a few pounds just reading that.
Corn Bread: Follow your favorite corn bread recipe, simply substituting kale for the corn. And the bread. Make sure it’s organic kale. We don’t want anyone dropping dead at the Thanksgiving table due to pesticide or GMO or whatever-the-fuck-other-artificial-shit-they-spray-on-produce poisoning.
Cranberry Sauce: Does anyone actually like this gelatinous, looks-like-zombie-chow-from-The-Walking-Dead shit anyway? We say skip it altogether.
Green Bean Casserole: This is a Thanksgiving classic, but it’s a total fat and calorie bomb. For a healthier, non-inflammation-inducing version, just pop a few raw, unseasoned green beans into your mouth. BUT ONLY IF THEY FIT INTO YOUR DAILY MACROS. Note that the longer you chew, the more calories you’ll burn.
Pumpkin, Pecan, or Apple Pie: As if, bitch.
Don’t forget that above all, Thanksgiving is about giving thanks, so make sure all your guests express their deepest gratitude to you for enlightening them about healthy living before they leave. And remind them to tag you in all their social media posts about the day’s festivities. #thankfulgratefulblessed
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is a sarcastic and slightly unhinged SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettlebelling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars