By Abby Byrd of Little Miss Perfect

Look, you and I both know you’re not gonna take a nap, so let’s cut the shit, OK? That “I’m sleepy; I want to cuddle with you, Mama” is bullshit. You know it, I know it. If you can just admit now that you aren’t really tired and have no intention of napping, you can save both of us the heartache and disappointment that will naturally follow in the wake of your false promises.

I can tell you how this will go down: First, you will climb in bed obediently and request blanket coverage. You will lure me into a false sense of security by cuddling up next to me. Then, without warning, you will burst into a song that you will probably sing inappropriately (“Bingo” is spelled with a “b.” There is no version of the song about a dog named “Dingo”). You will ask me the same question a dozen or more times. You will tell me a story about a kid at school that makes no sense. You will yell “Space Butt!” over and over and then take your pants off and try to fart on my head.

In response, I will first cajole, then threaten, then raise my voice. Note that I am not, of course, sleeping.

If you do by any chance become sleepy during this charade, while dozing off, you will thrash, flail, kick me in the face, and eventually grind a bony elbow into one of my extremely tender perimenopausal breasts. I will not sleep, and I will be angry.

This entire process takes about 40 minutes, and honestly, I can think of better ways to spend 40 minutes.

So, please, I beg you. Don’t even tease me with the possibility of napping.

*****

About the Author

Abby Byrd is a teacher, a grammarian, and the poster mom for existential angst. Her work has appeared on Scary Mommy/Club Mid, In The Powder Room, BLUNTMoms, Mamalode, The Good Men Project, The Reject Pile, and The Big Jewel, as well as in two anthologies. She is a frequent contributor to MockMom. Follow her on Twitter, on Facebook, and at her blog, Little Miss Perfect.