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Alright, girls, let’s talk about flopper stoppers, boulder holders, boobie baskets, hooter harnesses.

The good, the bad, and the ugly. Let’s talk about bras!

Section 1-The Good

We all have our very own bra fantasies. Mine would have the feel of a pillowcase and the lifting power of a hydraulic jack.

I long for a bra that makes me look four inches taller, thirty pounds lighter, and at least 15 years younger.  I want porn star boobs, Britney Spears music video boobs, lose your keys in the cleavage kinda boobs, jaw dropping boobs, memorable in a good way boobs. I want a bra that can both boost my fun bags and my confidence.

I also want the above-mentioned bra to cost less than dinner out at a 5-star restaurant.

Section 2-The Bad

When I was pregnant with my daughter, my boobs jumped from B to E in roughly 2.4 days. Luckily they bounced back to a C-ish/D-ish range, but the arrival of the milk man left its mark.

I’m talking about permanent shoulder indents from bra digging. Craters on each side the depth of the Grand Canyon. Spaghetti straps will forever have a place to hide. Nothing screams youth like an inch-deep indent that only engorgement can create.

And don’t even get me started on heart-stabbing under wire.

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Section 3-The Ugly (and man, do I mean ugly)

Your bra choice can determine if you look like a highly-paid pole dancer or a Shar Pei with an eating problem.  Let’s start by talking fourth boob.

This is when your cup size is light years smaller than your actual boobs. The result is a third and fourth boob bubbling out of the top of your bra. You spend your day willing them back into their undersized alcove only to have them pop their giddy heads up once again.

There is only one thing that could make fourth boob worse. That is the addition of the fifth and sixth boob.

These are the boobs that mound up under your armpits. The sneaky little shits can even take the form of what appears to be back fat in the shape of Swiss Rolls. Sexy!

An ill-fitting bra can make you the poster child for The People of Walmart. “Hand me my granny panties and my flesh-colored leggings because I’ve clearly given up on life!”

All I want is a bra that makes me humpable and comfortable at the same time.

Is that too much to ask???