Woman Finally Drinks Enough Water for Skincare Routine, Floats Away


Heather Ravenport, a 36-year-old mother, was recently found floating down a local canal that appears to be of her own making.

“My friend recommended that I drink at LEAST 3 gallons of water every day to keep from getting a ‘turkey neck.’ Jowls run in my family so, understandably, I didn’t want to risk it,” said Heather as her body sped up with the current.

Eventually Heather’s water-drinking habit took its toll on other aspects of her life. A few months ago, she had to quit her job because she spent half the day on the toilet or refilling her water bottle.

Not long after that, Heather began peeing nonstop. She couldn’t take her kids anywhere because they’re still little and “cramping into a bathroom stall with two small kids is absolute hell.”

At one point it seemed like her urine was as clear as water itself, and she could barely tell if she was floating in water or pee — an event she refers to as “Pissception.”

“I’m really not sure how it’s physically possible, but I appear to have peed so much that I’ve floated away. I’m not sure how fast I’m moving but I must be miles away from home by now,” said Heather.

When we offered to air rescue Ms. Ravenport, she declined, saying she “wants to milk this opportunity for some much-needed alone time” for as long as she possibly can.