By E. R. Catalano of zoevstheuniverse.com
Dayton, Ohio– On Tuesday evening, Karen Harper, 31, was getting undressed when she made a surprising discovery. In the crotch of her underwear she had vaginal discharge that looked a lot like the Virgin Mary.
Ms. Harper quickly snapped a photo and posted it to Instagram and Twitter with the hashtags #Miracle, #MotherOfGod, and also #PantyChallenge.
This last hashtag was the reason Ms. Harper had been planning to immortalize the condition of her underwear even before she dropped trou that fateful evening. Over the previous weekend, Ms. Harper had decided to participate in the Panty Challenge, a competition on social media where women vie with each other to see whose panties remain stain-free after a day’s wear. The challenge is the latest in the time-honored tradition of shaming women over the natural processes of their bodies.
Ms. Harper says when she saw the Blessed Virgin, she knew she’d lost the battle but had won the war. A war no one has heretofore acknowledged; the war for dry vaginas.
Far from a virgin herself, Ms. Harper readily admits, she took the challenge on a dare from friends. “We’re always trying to come up with new ways to shame each other and win dubious honors over bullshit. That’s what friends are for, right?” she winked. “Well, women friends, anyway,” she added.
The Ohio native says she was glad she was wearing bikini briefs that day instead of one of her thongs or a crotchless pair, or even going commando, otherwise she would’ve missed the Miracle in the Panties, as it’s become known on social media, where it’s also spawned the hashtags #SacredSkivvies and #DivineDrawers.
Minutes after she posted the photo, it went viral. Soon people were coming from all over to see the holy undergarment hanging, unwashed, in Ms. Harper’s living room over the flatscreen and next to a picture of the Virgin Mary, presumably placed there for quiet contemplation, but also comparison.
The image of the Virgin has appeared before in common everyday objects, like tree trunks, hospital windows, and highway overpasses. The Holy Mother seems especially partial to grilled cheese sandwiches, or any toasted sandwich really. But this is the first time she has taken this particular form.
As is the case with her previous appearances, the reasons behind this one remain mysterious, and yet it doesn’t seem a stretch to believe Jesus’ mom would not have thought fondly of women plastering images of their dirty drawers all over the internet.
James Nash, 29, who is Ms. Harper’s boyfriend, says he’s looking forward to her getting her period, hopefully next week. Frequent patrons of the local drinking establishment, The Thirsty Monk, are placing bets on what Ms. Harper might emit during her monthly cycle. Odds are presently favoring the Pietà with the Last Supper a close second.
But Mr. Nash’s interest might have more to do with the fact that, since Ms. Harper’s return to the church, she has disavowed the use of contraception. “I’m not sure the Blessed Virgin would visit my lady garden again if I were to lock the gate,” she explains.
The Catholic Church declined to comment. However, a spokesman told us under the condition of anonymity that the local clergy are in turmoil and undergoing extreme approach-avoidance. “I mean, those old boys like miracles well enough; it’s just that women’s bodies are, y’know, ew!”
About the Author
E. R. Catalano is a writer and mother of one evil mastermind living in Brooklyn, NY. She writes a humor blog at www.zoevstheuniverse.com, and she’s a contributor to I Just Want to Be Perfect, The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets, and Never Will I Ever (and Then I Had Kids). Her writing has also appeared on McSweeney’s, Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, and HaHas for HooHahs, among others. You can follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/zoevstheuniverse and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse.