By MockMom

Jessica Daniels is just one of the many middle-class, white women currently blaming Mercury in retrograde for everything that’s going wrong in their lives.

“When Mercury is in retrograde, communications go completely out of whack. Which totally explains why I dropped my phone this week and will need to replace the screen AGAIN,” said Daniels.

“And I NEVER drop my phone. Well, I mostly never do. I guess I occasionally drop it, but Mercury retrogrades happen several times a year, so those aren’t my fault.”

Daniels continued to explain that even her career has been affected.

“I was even late to work twice this week because the lines at Starbucks were INSANE. Probably because everyone else’s internal clocks were off too. Thanks, Mercury,” eye-rolled Daniels.

It’s also taken a toll on her personal relationships.

“At first I thought I was PMS-ing because I just can’t seem to keep my cool. I lose my temper, like, constantly. My husband and I might get a divorce, actually. But I can’t help that I’m also a Leo, you know? I didn’t choose this life; the stars did,” continued Daniels.

We then asked Daniels how she felt about feminism and the age of the “me too” movement.

“Look, I’m not a feminist, I’m a humanist. I’m all for equality, but I just wish people could learn to take responsibility for their own actions and decisions, you know?”