By Mandi Em of Healthy Living for Hot Messes
Hey, girl. Ever been asked what you want for Christmas or whatever, and all of a sudden your mind goes blank, your palms get sweaty and you stammer out something stupid like “gift card” even though deep inside you don’t really mean it?
That’s because you don’t know what you want, and I didn’t even need to make you sit before dropping that bomb on you, because you already know it’s true. It’s apparent in your wardrobe, your life choices and the fact that you take an average of 20.6 minutes to order the same shit you always do at a restaurant. You’re a hot mess that doesn’t know what the fuck you want in life, but that’s ok, boo—Wish does.
Wish is an e-commerce site that sells shit for low low prices and appears to use a bizarro clickbait strategy of letting it all hang out on the Facebook feeds of poor, unsuspecting users like YOURS TRULY who had literally never heard of it until it was slapping me in the mobile feed with its ass padding and gerbil reigns.
You see, the Internet is a magical place governed by the laws of calorie-free cookies and super covert algorithms, so that you—the user—can have an optimized experience that curates the shit you see according to your interests. But heads up—it’s 2018, baby, and you might not even know what those are. But Wish does!
Now, you might be thinking, “Nothing in my online behavior would ever suggest that I would want a foxtail butthole stopper,” but that’s where you’re wrong, fam. Sure, there’s the slight chance that it goes by IP address and your hubby has got some ‘splainin to do, but it’s infinitely more likely that you—a ridiculous meatsack—just aren’t as in tune with what you want as much as the almighty algorithm is. You piece of human trash.
And those butt pads? Well, the Internet is fast, but your metabolism is slower. Your expanding arse is impressive, but not like Kardashian-level impressive. And that shit matters.
Wish knows that you don’t have enough 8 dollar lingerie in your drawers. Wish knows that you really want a big fucking bubble to cry in alone. Wish knows that even though you can’t put on a hoodie without getting dreadfully tangled, what you really need is a full body criss-crossy loop/belt/chain contraption that will make you the envy of all the other bitches at the supermarket.
How about some watch gears for that mixed media art piece you’re TOTALLY gonna do one day? It’s called Steampunk, you uncultured swine. All hail Cthulu!
Is this all feeling a little too Big-Brothery for you? Wish can help, with a random selection of colorful crackpipes!
“I don’t do crack!” you say? *Wish chuckles* You don’t do crack yet, you mean. *HARD WINK*
So the next time someone asks you what you want, just give up, embrace the fact that you don’t know, and open up your Facebook feed.
You won’t get the shit you want or need, but dammit, you’ll get the shit you deserve.
About the Author
Mandi Em is the content creator for Healthy Living for Hot Messes, a healthy-ish humor and adulting blog. Mandi can usually be found whining about her kids on Twitter and posting pictures of her food and nonsense on Instagram, and Facebook.