Want to win the internet? WHO DOESN’T?
You may be wondering what I mean by “win the internet.” Simple! I mean any number of things, from being right on the internet to breaking it. Still interested? Good, because I’ve been paying attention to how it’s done, and boy, do I have a home run guide for you guys. I present you with How to Win the Internet in 5 Easy Steps.
Step 1: Scour the internet for something you disagree with and/or something that doesn’t fit with your exact experiences.
Social media status updates, news articles, blog posts, pictures of kids buckled into car seats with one too many layers on. Doesn’t really matter what it is as long as it makes you hot in the ass for some reason.
To aid in finding such articles or posts, consider setting up a Google alert using key words for things that really set you off: “circumcision,” “vaccination,” “formula feeding,” “immigration,” and “liberals” come to mind. This way you’ll receive instant notification whenever somebody somewhere on the internet starts talking about that thing you can’t stand, affording you the opportunity to head right over there and let them have it.
Happening upon articles and posts that make you ragey is fine, but what really helps you win is to seek them out. Even if you have happened upon something, you should probably also hunt the writer or poster down via their email or social media. It lets them know you care and also you have nothing worthwhile whatsoever going on in your life, so they better give up before they’ve even started. You’re gonna be there all night.
Step 2: Leave a comment on that thing you disagree and/or can’t identify with.
You have several options here. You can leave a simple, “This has never been my experience.” It shows the writer that he or she is stupid for thinking or posting whatever he or she has shared without actually coming out and telling him or her as much.
You could also take this one step further and comment with all the ways in which your experience is the opposite of the writer’s or poster’s. This lends credibility to your comment because you are highlighting specific reasons why his or her article or post is not, in any way, relatable to you or anyone else, for that matter, with specific reasons. And your English teacher always told you to use specific reasons, after all.
If you’re feeling a bit saucier, you can include links to outdated, unrelated, and/or irrelevant webstuffs from across all corners of the internet in your comment. This will show the writer or poster that not only do you think the writer is wrong for all these specific reasons, but also these other people think he or she is wrong as well, thus proving you right. The more links, the righter you are.
Finally, if you’re feeling particularly brazen, you can leave a comment calling the writer or poster any number of derogatory names. Whatever you choose, however, it’s important to insult his or her intelligence as well. If you haven’t used the word “ignorant” or “research” anywhere in your comment, you haven’t been mean enough.
[/nextpage] [nextpage title=”Page 2″ ]Step 3: Sit back and wait for the writer or poster to respond.
Remaining idle isn’t exactly the idea here. You should be anticipating all the things the writer or poster may say in return and crafting good comebacks. This is a great opportunity to pull in more useless links, even if — no, especially if — you haven’t bothered reading them.
If you haven’t resorted to insulting the writer or poster yet, now’s the time. I’d say having five or six really good replies at the ready is sufficient. And be sure to refresh your browser repeatedly in a single minute. You don’t want to miss your chance to really drive your hatred home.
Step 4: Get others to join your crusade.
If the writer or poster you’re shaming and/or attacking doesn’t seem sufficiently humbled by your honesty, it’s time to call in back up. Hit your like-minded social media and message board circuits and round up the troops. Encourage them to also leave dissenting comments on the writer’s or poster’s links. Tweeting and/or Facebook tagging him or her in demeaning tweets or messages is also effective. The more people you can get to bully the writer or poster, the more likely he or she will either see the error of his or her ways and/or accept total defeat.
Step 5: Bask in the glory of your success.
Putting oneself out there for public consumption is difficult, and it’s you alone who can make that endeavor the perfect amount of terrifying. Never forget the important work you’re doing in calling attention to the stupidity of everyone who is not you and/or has not had the exact same experiences as you have. Lurking in the darkest recesses of the internet, waiting to pounce with deprecation and vitriol on unsuspecting writers and social media users is an art. Don’t listen to anyone who says you’re a vengeful internet troll whose only courage stems from hurting others from behind the safety of a screen. They’re just jealous that they don’t have hours of down time on their hands to waste combing the internet for things to shit on.
And remember: if none of the above provides you the satisfaction of winning the internet, you can always pose for a camera with your naked, oiled up ass on display for the masses. That’ll show ’em who’s boss.
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