By Jordan of Motherhood Collective
In Ire City, Louisiana, a local man came home Tuesday to a shocking scene. Martin Smithfield returned from work at his usual time of 5:42 p.m. to find his wife Janice Smithfield wearing pants that required both buttoning and zipping. She was also wearing makeup, including eyeliner and lipstick.
Janice is a stay-at-home mother to the Smithfield’s three children, ages five, three, and one.
Long-time neighbor Maryann Novak confirmed that this was indeed strange behavior for Mrs. Smithfield. “Sure, maybe some chapstick every now and then, but full-on makeup? I haven’t seen that happen in a while.”
When questioned about her typical makeup routine, Mrs. Smithfield commented, “At some point, skipping makeup just becomes a financial decision. Why should I waste money on mascara when the only person I’m seeing is Mike the UPS guy. He’s been on our route since the newborn days when he was dropping off every single “make your baby sleep” product rated three stars or higher on Amazon, so he’s seen me at my worst. I know he won’t judge me.” Apparently, her husband will.
“I knew something was up the minute I walked in the door,” said Mr. Smithfield. “The place was picked up, the kids had gone to Grandma’s, and there stood my wife, bold as brass, looking like she cares.” Mr. Smithfield says he immediately became anxious.
“My first thought was, ‘She’s having an affair,’ then I remembered that with three kids and all of the Netflix she watches, she probably couldn’t fit that into her schedule. Besides, with the variety of other people’s bodily fluids she usually has on her yoga pants and oversized t-shirt, she’d be hard pressed to find any takers.”
Mr. Smithfield began running through important dates in his head. “I knew it wasn’t Valentine’s Day since that always falls on the second Thursday in February…or is it the third Tuesday…regardless, this isn’t February. It wasn’t her birthday; it wasn’t Mother’s Day. Then it hit me: our anniversary.”
“Of course he forgot our anniversary,” commented a very satisfied sounding Mrs. Smithfield. “I knew he would. I only reminded him four times this year and emailed him a link to the present I wanted.”
Now, though, Mrs. Smithfield has plans to use this situation to her advantage. “The link I emailed him was for a $30 pair of shoes I’ve had my eye on, but now I have guilt money.”
Mrs. Smithfield is using said guilt money to purchase a lovely set of diamond studs, as well as a weekend away with girlfriends, during which Mr. Smithfield will be in charge of all three children. “This actually works out really well. I’m hopeful he’ll forget my birthday, too, then maybe I can get the matching necklace.”
The Smithfields have been married for 13 years as of last Tuesday.
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About the Author
Jordan lives in Texas with her husband, two-year-old son, two cats, and one eternally patient dog. She has a special talent for finding a Steel Magnolias quote for every occasion and fancies herself a Clairee but is probably a Ouiser at heart. Find her at motherhoodcollective.blog, Facebook, or rocking back and forth in the fetal position eating raw cookie dough straight from the package.