By Amanda Elder

A friend of mine told me about her buddies who get annoyed when their husbands talk to their mothers too often. One of them said her man calls his mom everyday, and the others agreed that’s too much. When she asked them how often they talk to their own moms, they said multiple times a day.

As daughters, they speak to their mothers all throughout the day. However, their husbands aren’t supposed to speak to theirs even once a day. What’s with the double standard?

My friend told me about this group text she was a part of, because like her, I have sons. We have given our hearts and lives to our boys, and the least we can hope for is eternal closeness. It’s hard enough to accept they will move off our laps and out of our homes. Thinking of their future wives getting upset at them for calling us makes me want to slap Bs who might not even exist yet.

Tension between mothers and daughters-in-law is common. Dr. Robi Ludwig, a New York City psychotherapist, refers to the strained relationships in a Today article as “a classic power struggle between two women fighting over the same man.” Perhaps mothers sometimes feel dethroned when their sons get married and turn their attention away from their mothers and onto their wives.

While mothers really just want to stay involved in their sons’ lives, the way they go about it can make wives feel intruded on and criticized.

I’ve heard horror stories about moms who tell their daughters-in-law everything they do wrong, including the way they feed their families and keep their homes. However hurtful and inappropriate this behavior is, let’s seek to understand.

I’m a mom to two boys who are my world and heart. At ages four and one, I am the center of their universe, but their constant desire for me won’t last forever. Right now I’m struggling to pee alone and talk on the phone, but one day I’ll be missing them at my heels and on my hips. I’ll miss being so important in their worlds.

When they grow up and find love, I’ll be happy for them. No doubt. I also hope to have great relationships with their partners. But I also know I’ll suffer a deep heartbreak, not because I’ll be jealous or vindictive, but because I’ll miss mothering my little boys. I’ll miss how their hands felt around my neck and how their slobbery kisses felt on my face. I’ll miss how their sweet voices sounded saying “Mama” and how comfortable my presence made them.

So ladies, if you are dealing with an annoying, intrusive mother-in-law, realize that your man was once her baby. She held him and cuddled him and kissed his boo-boos. She made all his favorite meals and fought the good fight to shape him into the man he is today. The man that now belongs to you used to belong to her. When your husband was a boy, he probably told his mom that she was a princess and that he loved her more than anything. (I know, because I hear these phrases on the reg.) She’s been replaced by you. Empathy, please.

When your mother-in-law tells you how to cook something just the way your husband likes it, let her.

If your mother-in-law points out that your dishes need to be washed, smile and nod, or invite her to do them. Try, “Show me your trick to get them sparkly clean.” Your sink will probably empty itself.

When she offers you endless advice that you don’t ask for, realize that she wants to be purposeful and useful. She wants a good spot in your life, and it’s out of love.

I’m not saying you should be her punching bag. In fact, I encourage as many boundaries as necessary. Be authentic and honest, but also be kind.

Share your husband with his mother. It’s important to her that she stays a part of her son’s life, so include her as much as possible. Share key information with her, ask her for advice, and let her be involved. Doing so might even resolve some of the issues you have, for this is probably what she’s been seeking all along.

She has been dethroned, and if you have sons, you probably will be too, one day. Stack up all the good karma you can.

For the love of mothers everywhere, encourage your husband to call his mom. Once a day is definitely not too much.

*****

About the Author

Amanda is a teacher turned stay-at-home mom to two boys, and wife of a resident doctor in Orlando, FL. When she isn’t playing with trains, doing dishes, or having sword fights, she is writing. Her work has been published by Scary Mommy, Blunt Moms, In the Powder Room, and Mamalode. Learn more about her at Stay-at-Home Panda and follow Amanda on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.