I have been mistaken as gay many times. I’ve even been asked if I was gay when sitting with my wife in public, which might make you wonder what I was even doing to be asked such a personal question.

Has this ever bothered me?  Not at all.  Along with an unmatched skill set when it comes to bagging groceries and the ability to make the best toast in the world, one of my few strengths is that I am decidedly NOT homophobic.

It has made me think, though, how I would feel were one of my sons to tell me he’s gay in the future. I’ve concluded that if he did, I’d be happy for him. But I also realize that if this happens, I have expectations.  And as it turns out, those expectations are VERY specific.

Of course, I’m curious regarding which one of my boys might be gay.

Is it Arthur?

He’s got a fierce look and brings a badass attitude that would no doubt make him popular at The Abbey.

Or is it Charles?

He’s concerned and compassionate.  He wears his heart on his sleeve along with a lot of tears and spit up.  He’ll have no problem with either the ladies or the guys.

I don’t know who it is or if it’s either of them, BUT they should know that if one of them is gay I have set some criteria.  I’m not unreasonable.  I just expect them to be this guy.

I want my gay son to be just like Neil Patrick Harris.  He’s refreshingly gay.  He’s not over the top, unless he wants to be.  He’s funny, he’s got a great voice and likes Broadway, he’s in TV and movies, and he probably knows Nathan Lane.  These are all things I’d like my gay son to bring to the table.

Does this make me shallow?  Probably, but that’s who I am.  If I can accept having a gay son, can’t I at least ask that he’s a charming, successful Hollywood actor?  Just writing this makes me realize that I want more than just a gay son who’s a lot like him.  I think I actually want to be Neil Patrick Harris’ dad!

He probably has a great relationship with his own father, but if he doesn’t, I could totally be there for him.  I could have helped him get through the unfair reviews for his Oscar hosting and the emotional ending of How I Met Your Mother. He’s got a new show premiering on NBC this fall, Best Time Ever. (Sorry, I just had to plug my fake gay son’s new show.  That’s what a dad does.) He’s probably nervous about it. I could be there to tell him that whatever happens, I’ll always be proud of him.  Then we could go eat an expensive steak dinner at a fancy restaurant that he’d pay for because he’s always doing things like that for me.

So there you have it, Arthur and Charles.  NPH has set the bar.  If one of you is gay, you need to be just like your big brother.

A version of this post was originally published on My Least Favorite Child Today.