By now we’ve all heard the saga about how West Virginia officials had the audacity to call our gorgeous First Lady an “ape in heels.” Michelle is such a class act that she didn’t even respond to that nonsense. She is, after all, famed for her admonition to her fellow democrats: “When they go low, we go high.” It’s wonderful that she’s not petty.
But I am.
If I were a 1970’s stoner, I’d be Tom Petty.
Out of all the Peanuts characters, I’m Peppermint Petty.
On March 17th, I celebrate St. Petty’s Day.
So with that in mind, prepare yourselves because I’m about to go low. A word of caution: If you can’t handle an insult comedy roast, I suggest you stop reading now and instead click on this article about dogs wearing costumes. It’s much nicer.
The rest of you, let’s start by roasting this human tater tot:
He’s been called a Cheeto-faced, taxidermy-haired scumbag wearing gloves from the Baby Gap. What else is there to say? You know you’re a slimy river vermin when even Newt Gingrich refuses to take a job on your cabinet–a person literally named after a slimy river vermin.
The same people who put down Michelle Obama are saying that Melania is a great beauty.
I’m sorry, but are we looking at the same woman here? Am I the only one completely distracted by her lazy eye? That left one is just loafing around like it has a fake injury and is collecting disability. This woman took off her clothes to get famous, married for money, plagiarized her RNC speech, and yet her left eye is still the laziest thing about her.
Then there are the Trump children. I think it’s pretty obvious why Eric never quite got the screen time Donald Jr. and Ivanka did on The Apprentice–he’s not exactly “TV material,” now, is he? He looks like an albino version of Donald Jr. crossed with Tom Cruise from Interview with a Vampire. Pretty sure they kept him in a Transylvanian lair, hidden away from the public with Tiffany for most of the 2000s.
Why does Ivanka always look pissed off, like she’s either a) passing a kidney stone, b) listening to her sister Tiffany’s single, “Like a Bird,” or c) trying to make uncomfortable eye contact with her stepmother but unsure where to look?
Trump’s Chief Strategist, Steve Bannon, is so racist, upon hearing of his appointment, Mel Gibson was all, “Are you f**king serious right now?” It’s almost as if Bannon sold his soul to the devil in exchange for fame.
And by “fame,” I mean a white hood. And by “the devil,” I mean this dick:
Sarah Palin has defended Steve Bannon in an incoherent rant, which is to say, her normal way of speaking because she’s a f**king dingbat. I imagine conversing with her would be as fun as attending an Indigo Girls concert with Mike Pence. Here is a list of people who would probably carry a better conversation than Sarah Palin:
- Time Warner Cable’s customer service department
- Big Mouth Billy Bass, the animatronic singing fish
- Chris Christie’s man boobs
- Melania Trump’s left eye
Let’s talk about the next Veep, Mike Pence. The guy is so homophobic he wears an iron chastity belt when he watches HGTV. Also, have you seen his jowls? Maybe he should spend less time praying away the gay and more time praying away the basset hound trying to possess his body.
How hungry is Chris Christie? I’m not making a fat joke here. I’m talking about power hunger. He was arrogant enough to think he’d get away with punishing a rival politician by closing major bridges during a September 11th memorial ceremony, causing a public safety emergency. Also in a related story, how literally hungry is Chris Christie?
Rudy Giuliani is in the running as the next Secretary of State. Which would be convenient for him, considering his business interests include contracts with Canada and Qatar. Rudy is, in a word, opportunistic. He’s been riding the Trump train with every intention of pouncing for personal gain. I’ve seen less exploitation from pneumonia phlegm in a chemotherapy clinic (#opportunisticinfectionjoke #immunocompromisationjoke. Boom. And they said it couldn’t be done).
Before you assume I’m only picking on Republicans, I’ll give you a bipartisan burn:
Gary Johnson believes so strongly in the Libertarian free market economy that he still searches for the cheapest haircut in town. This one was given to him for free by his mother.
Ok, so you’ve gathered I’m a liberal. But just to keep things balanced, here’s an RBG burn (Because I know she can take it. That bitch has been cheating death since the Jazz Age.)
Ruth Bater Ginsburg is so old her birth certificate was notarized by Moses. How is she still alive? Did Eric Trump bite her or something?
Now that we’ve reached the end of this roast, it is likely that I’ve alienated all but three people. My only hope is that the three of you still reading this are Colin Jost, Michael Che, and Lorne Michaels, because I’ve always had two dreams:
1. To write for Weekend Update as an insult comic.
2. To be a politician.
Since I’ve screwed my chances of the second one, Lorne, do me a solid. Holla atch yo girl, Peppermint Petty.