Not a lot of women talk about the “early days” of motherhood, and for good reason. I mean, those first moments, minutes, and hours with your wee one are enchanting and beautiful, mesmerizing and hypnotizing, but you are also in so much pain — you are so damn exhausted and f**kin’ delirious — that the last thing on your mind is you.
Taking the time out to document the gory details of labor and delivery just isn’t on most mamas’ radar.
Thankfully, one mother and blogger, Mummy Mumbles, had enough foresight to share her story on Facebook, and her play-by-play — entitled “20 things to know when you’ve just pushed out a baby” — is both hilarious and horrific. (Seriously. The whole post brought back flashbacks, which sent shivers down my spine…and through my nethers.)
The entry starts off where it should, at least in my opinion, with pain: the unimaginable, post-birthing pain.
The after pains. Pain. After. Who knew? When God designed women to give birth, he well and truly screwed us over.
But from there, Mummy Mumbles sheds light on some of the other joys that come from that postpartum period:
Your first wee [will be awful]. [Just] take a jug with you and pour it over your bits like you’re trying to be a star in some very disturbing porno. It helps…your first poo [will be just as bad but] do not panic. You are not having another baby. It just feels that way…your first shower will be like a scene from Carrie. It’s normal….your tummy is now resembling a balloon that’s slowly deflating and feeling very sorry for itself. If you press it, you instantly conclude that it would make a fantastic trampoline for Stuart Little. Or that if you sliced it up right now, the hospital kitchen staff would use it and palm it off as nectarine jelly…[and] everything’s angry. Your brain is angry, your eyes are angry, your tummy, your bladder, your bum. Your vagina isn’t angry.Â
She also gives expectant moms a glimpse into their future, i.e. she sheds light on many of those special moments they and their little ones will soon share:
[Your baby’s] first poo is not actually poo. It’s tar. The midwives sneak in over night, fill your baby’s nappy with treacle and then test you to see if you know to get rid of it, or to see if you decide to take one look at it and start googling ‘why do nappies come pre-filled with marmite?’….you will say the word ‘latch’ more than you have ever said it in your life. And the idea of a tiny person casually sucking on your nipples suddenly becomes a reality. At this moment, you will feel like an actual proper mum. And a cow…it farts. It burps. It hiccups. It makes weird noises in its sleep that make you think you’re going to wake up and see Chucky in the cot- head spinning and laughing…[oh, and know] your baby hates you. It’s not crying. It’s communicating with its master- the devil- about how successful their plan to destroy you is going.
However, the good news is Mummy Mumbles didn’t share this post simply to traumatize all moms and moms-to-be. (No, no.)
As difficult as it may be to read, her final point may be the most important point, because her final point reminds all moms it will all be OK. Everything will be OK. :
 Stop worrying. You’re not superwoman. There is no such thing as normal, and there is no such thing as perfect. You are your baby’s normal. You are your baby’s perfect. They aren’t judging you. They are completely reliant on you and being responsible for another human being is not a piece of cake. It’s a piece of ‘oh my god I can’t do this’. You can. And everyday will get easier. Breath mummy. There’s nothing you can’t do.
Well, you can do anything “except sleep. You can’t do that anymore.”
Read the entire post here.