Weight of Purchased Fundraising Merchandise Causes Attic to Collapse

By Heidi Hamm

Early this morning, police responded to a suspected bombing in the 300 block of Evergreen Glades. Upon arriving at the home in question, they discovered that the entire third floor had collapsed. Fortunately, no one was home at the time.

“Our street is normally so quiet, you know? It’s a shock. A real shock,” said Heather Jones, president of the Evergreen Glades Neighborhood Watch Association.

She paused to cinch her pink bath robe tightly around her waist and adjust a loose curler in her hair before telling reporters that it was her civic duty as president of the EGNWA to investigate any and all disturbances.

She went on to comment further. “When you think about it, we really know very little about this woman. What’s her name? Mandy, Lindsay, Jenny? It’s one of those ‘ends in Y’ names, you know. I should have known something was off. I have a knack for sensing shady characters. For all we know she’s probably mixed up in something really dangerous.”

She also told reporters, “My parents have lived on the same street for 40 years. They just discovered their neighbor has been growing pot in his basement for the past 20 years. Can you imagine? Claims it’s medicinal, of course. I bet she’s a drug dealer or part of one of those nasty street gangs.”

After cordoning off the street and bringing in their top bomb-sniffing dog, Rexster, police determined that it was not, in fact, a bomb. While their investigation is ongoing, preliminary findings suggest that it was the result of an overbearing load that caused the collapse.

“It would appear that an excessive amount of weight caused the floor of the attic to give way. There seem to be an inordinate amount of Girl Scout cookies, raffle tickets and coupon books within the rubble,” Police Sergeant Miles Hammer informed the media.

On hearing this, Heather claimed, “Of course I didn’t actually think it was a bomb. She’s a great neighbor, Nancy is. She’s quiet but friendly.”

When the owner of the home in question returned from her sons’ early morning hockey practice, she was shocked by what had happened. Mary Davis, a stay-at-home mom with five children, had been storing various fundraising paraphernalia in her attic over the past 10 years.

In a statement to the press, Mary said, “I have five kids. Between school, hockey, karate, gymnastics, soccer, dance…there was so much fundraising. Stuff just kept coming. There’s only so many times that you can hit up your family, friends and neighbors. The majority of us have kids the same age. You start to feel bad even asking.

“So I stopped and just started buying them up myself. But there’s a limit to the number of cookies and chocolate bars you can eat. We tried to keep up, but it got to be too much. I hated to throw it out. I was planning on taking the food to the local shelter. Recycle all the paper. I was going to go through it in my spare time but I just haven’t had any in the past 10 years.”

She went on to claim that she had no idea there was so much. The final straw that seems to have broken the attic floor, however, was the most recent Girl Scout cookie campaign.

“I have three daughters. They wanted to be the top sellers in their troops. Who was I to dash their fundraising dreams? They tried. They canvassed neighborhood after neighborhood but they just couldn’t sell any. It seems everyone knows a Girl Scout,” Mary explained. “And so I did what any mother would do: I bought out their allotment. I ran out of room in the pantry so I shoved them up through the attic hatch. I guess it was just too much.”

And while the cleanup continues, it would appear, particularly in this case, there really can be too much of a good thing, even Girl Scout cookies.


About the Author

Heidi Hamm is a writer, wife and mom of 6-year-old twin boys with the alter egos of the Hulk and Spiderman and their 8-year-old sister, who is in training to rule a small (or large) country someday. She has been published on Sammiches & Psych Meds, Scary Mommy and Mamalode. You can also find her on Facebook.