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Ways Employers Can Improve Morale at Work

Ways Employers Can Improve Morale at Work
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It’s no joke that a positive morale among employees is essential to fruitful workplace output. Which is why I’ve come up with these sure-fire ways for employers to boost morale among their workers.

Tip #1: Pile on as much extra work as possible.

They may claim to “want to burn the building down” if you assign them one more data collection task or extra-duty position, but this is just their way of thanking you for seeing so much potential in them. They don’t mind not sleeping, whether it’s because they’re busy completing all those extra projects or because they’re plotting a coup. Slashing your tires in the parking lot and spiking your coffee with arsenic in the break room are actually signs of appreciation for entrusting them individually with a responsibility load more suitable to a group of five personnel instead of one.

Tip #2: Treat them like children.

Despite what you may have overheard them complaining about from the bathroom stalls, adults don’t really want to be treated like capable professionals. What they actually crave is mistrust and condescension. Best way to accomplish this? Require them to catalog every second of their work day and hand in a detailed summary report before exiting the premises each day or force them to sit in assigned seating at staff meetings. This will utterly crush any fantasies they had about being actual grown-ups.

Tip #3: Pay them far less than they are worth.

This is especially important if they hold a degree or certificate that required them to complete hours of grueling coursework and/or training to be considered qualified to perform their jobs. It’s extra effective if they have crippling student loan debt or can’t pay the mortgages on their humble abodes.

Tip #4: Implement an evaluation system that automatically categorizes them as the worst until they can effectively meet seventy-three impossible standards to be considered the best.

Impossible is the key word here. You don’t want any of these people actually believing they can do shit. And if they do have these lofty notions that their training, dedication, experience, and expertise make them good at what they do, hone in on one mistake or area for improvement and blow it waaaaaaay out of proportion, taking care to make such a big deal out of it that they can’t help but thank you for only labeling them “marginally effective” this quarter while crying into their defaulted credit card statements.

Tip #5: Talk up the “we’re a family” or “we’re a team” angle while simultaneously keeping them in the dark about everything.

Cousin to tip #2, this one suggests they are equal parts inferior and stupid. Where they once thought “we’re a family” or “we’re a team” meant everyone — employer and employees — worked together in the best interest of the organization and its staff, they will soon learn its true meaning: they’re the side of the family nobody talks about or the useless team members who ride bench all season. Don’t make the mistake of sincerely holding to this mantra. People like to be undervalued and mistreated. It stimulates their motivation to play along.

Tip #6: Never observe them at the job unless you believe they have done something wrong.

People like to be put in their place. It’s true. Those thousands of hours they’ve spent doing a good job? Nothing in comparison to that one time they messed up a little. Be sure to only visit them that one time. And also be sure to reprimand them publicly. People appreciate public humiliation.

Tip #7: Make them work on holidays or after hours.

Act as though this should be expected. Because it is. Employees love being away from their families anyhow.

Tip #8: Reply all.

And copy every chain of command. On everything. Nothing sets a fire under the rear and motivates an employee to give it her all quite like feeling as though Big Brother is watching.

Always, ALWAYS watching.