By Alison Block
I saw your profile online, and I thought we could be a good match. Well, let’s be honest, not really a good match, but probably the kind of match that I can realistically hope for.
From what I gather from your profile, you’re 42, divorced, have fairly advanced male-patterned baldness, and rock a serious dad bod despite not being a dad. You have an unabashed love for Dungeons and Dragons even though it’s not 1996. Your work as a middling engineer seems relatively stable if totally unpromising in terms of actual upward mobility. In sum, as far as I can tell, you’re a 4.
I’m 35 years old, from an upper middle class family in Connecticut, have thick long (naturally!) blond hair, and complete at least two triathalons a year. I’m a very successful corporate lawyer (partner track!) and spend my weekends saving baby animals and mentoring underprivileged youth. I’m a 9.
So, like I said, in our misogynistic culture where fairly unattractive men date ever younger women and successful females repel mates like body odor – I think we’re a match!
How about we go on a date? I know you said in your online profile that you’re a little “zany” and “adventurous,” so I have a super fun idea for our first date: you can take me to my egg retrieval appointment with my fertility specialist! I know I want to be a mom someday (I’d like two kids, maybe three, how about you?) and I’m not getting any younger, so it seems like the smart thing to freeze some of my huevos. I think it will be really fun, and we can go get some frozen yogurt afterwards. My treat!
What? That seems a little “fast,” you say? You know what’s fast? The exponential decay of my 35-year-old egg supply, that’s fucking fast.
If you think about it, this could be a great opportunity to really get to know each other. For one thing, I’m all hopped up on ovary-stimulating hormones right now, so I’m feeling a little, you know, up-and-down, shall we say? Some people might call it “moody” or “PMS-y.” Well, I have news for you about women and hormones. We’ve got a lot of them.
Let’s do some math here. Depending on whether we have two babies or three (I’m really thinking three would be fun, aren’t you?), I’ll be super hormonal for at least 18 to 27 months of pregnancy, and then at least 2-3 years of breastfeeding. Plus, during the remainder of my fertile years, I’ll be PMSing about a week out of every month. Then, of course, there’s all of peri-menopause (My mom’s lasted seven years!) and at least a decade of menopause.
All that adds up to about 50% of our lifespan. So, actually, getting to know me while I’m in this artificially-induced hormonal state will give you an excellent window into your/our future!
Also, if we are going to be life partners, we’ll surely go through a lot of medical stuff together. I know that my mom and dad’s relationship really went through the ringer when Dad had that colonoscopy complication and had to sit on that donut thing for like a month and Mom had to prepare a bunch of super high-fiber juices that he didn’t want to drink. It’s important to see how we can support one another in these kinds of experiences.
Plus, the egg retrieval involves a big needle, and I want to know how you react to big needles because, you know what else involves a big needle? An epidural, which I definitely plan to have as soon as I hit 4 centimeters with both (Or all three? I’m feeling pretty sure I want three.) of my deliveries. So I’d like to know how you react to big needles, like if I’m going to have to tell the doctors to get you an extra chair, or leave the room, or whatever.
Finally, I’ve heard that the success rate for viable pregnancies is much higher with frozen embryos than with frozen eggs alone. So if we really hit it off during the appointment, you can just go ahead and ejaculate in a cup with one of the adult magazines that I’m sure they keep in the bathroom and we can introduce your swimmers to my ladies and fertilize those bad girls. And then we’ll be major steps ahead of the game!
Plus, there really is amazing frozen yogurt right next to the fertility center.
LMK if you’re interested.
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