MockMom

Want to Be a Happier Parent? Just Stop Being Poor

By Anna Gracia of TheSnarkyReviewer.com

Millions of moms across America are nodding in agreement with the New York Times’ super insightful article, “Want to Be Happy? Buy More Takeout and Hire a Maid, Study Suggests.”

“Of course!” exclaimed Deborah Whitaker, pizza delivery driver and mother of four. “Why didn’t I think of that? All this time I could have just been ordering food from the exact same place I work! I mean, sure, I only make $6.25 an hour and the pizza costs $22, but it would make my life easier. And hey, I’d save on the delivery fee,” she laughed.

The study came to the utterly shocking conclusion that outsourcing highly-disliked tasks brought people the most happiness. “I can’t believe it,” opined elementary school janitor and mother of two, Karen Liu. “All this time I’ve been buying my kids books and fresh fruit when I could have been outsourcing my laundry. Money wasted,” she said ruefully, clicking her tongue.

It wasn’t just the minimum-wage workers who were taken by surprise with the study, however. Even the ultra-wealthy felt they weren’t maximizing their happiness.

“I just—it’s just all this time,” Carol Thayer shook her head as she struggled to get the words out. “I thought I had it all,” she said tearfully. “A gardener, a housekeeper, a pool boy, an au pair, you name it. I’ve been in therapy for years, trying to figure out why I just can’t be happy. And it turns out all I really needed was an Eat24 account.”

Only one mother admitted to having prior knowledge of the results of this revolutionary study. A doctor, mother of one, and self-proclaimed “avid reader,” Dierdre Lang says the information contained in the study was obvious to her. “I read Ivanka’s book,” she explained. “And she already said this same thing. Just throw money at the problem.”

If only we had all been so wise. Thank you, New York Times.

*****

About the Author

Anna Gracia is a writer in San Francisco. She is working on a hilariously blunt novel about an Asian-American girl going through young adulthood. You can read her thoughts about recent movies on her blog, TheSnarkyReviewer.com, or follow her political rants on Twitter (@hapasareasian).