Okay, people, that special day in June is right around the corner! You got your grills hot and cargo shorts ready, boys? Ready for some totally original and not at all overdone beer and golf jokes? And obligatory “Dad of the Year” mug and matching tie? Good. Let’s do this.
Dads are awesome—even if they sometimes (daily) miss the hamper with their dirty socks and rile the kids up right before bedtime. They deserve this day. So make sure to stock the fridge, buy the obligatory “Dad can fix anything” card with a hammer and nails on it, and let the dad(s) in your life know they are appreciated. I mean, that lawn ain’t gonna mow itself, amiright?
And in their honor, here are some funny tweets that pay homage to this sacred day in June that celebrates the hamburger-grilling, beer-drinking, game-watching, golf-playing men (did I fit enough stereotypes in there?) who graciously shared their sperm so their wives could push out a cantaloupe 9 months later. You da best, guys!
Fingers crossed, right, dads?
I hope I get a chore list cleverly disguised as a Home Depot gift card again this Father’s Day.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 10, 2016
Here’s your Dad of the Year mug.
I went through 9 months of pregnancy and 34 hours of labour to become a mother.
You had an orgasm.
— Heather M. Jones (@hmjoneswriter) June 8, 2018
When you really know how to party…
Father’s Day weekend. About to *turn up (*drink iced coffee and finish reading my Star Wars novel, maybe mow the lawn if the weather holds)
— Bottlerocket (@bottlerocket) June 14, 2014
Kids really know how to build us up, don’t they?
My son answered some questions about me for Father’s Day. Clearly, I’ve taught him to aim high. pic.twitter.com/UNt1tSBSZc
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) June 30, 2015
That is the actual definition.
Father’s Day; NOUN ; an occasion to get to like 2nd and ½ base and then some kid comes in asking for an apple
— dadpression (@Dadpression) June 18, 2017
What color cargo pants should I wear on Father’s Day?
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 17, 2017
He’s not wrong.
Son: “Happy Father’s Day, motherfucker!” (technically true)
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) June 16, 2013
My Mother’s Day gift to my wife was letting her out of sex w/ me on Father’s Day. The good news is I have 5 extra minutes for Twitter today.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 16, 2013
I’ll never forget it.
Writes in Father’s Day card:
Thanks for mowing the lawn every week and for that one time you got up with the kids back in February.
— Snarky Breeders (@snarkybreeders) June 8, 2018
Since you’re asking what Dad wants this year…
For Father’s Day, I’ll take my coffee black and hold the kids.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) June 18, 2017
The ultimate trifecta.
Wife: what do you want for Father’s Day.
Me: sleep, sex, and saturated fats.
Wife: at the same time?
Me: that would be awesome.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) June 20, 2015
As much as we want new yoga pants or nah?
Dads, I need to know how badly you actually want those car floor mats for Father’s Day
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) June 8, 2018
Hope my kid got those 7 vodka/sodas something nice for Father’s Day.
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) June 18, 2017
Bahahahaha. Nice try, though.
Me: I just want to have a nice, relaxing Father’s Day.
Kids soccer: Nope.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) June 15, 2016
How you like me now?
My 4 yr old son gave me a hand made card for Father’s Day. Maybe for Christmas I’ll draw him a picture of some toys.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) June 20, 2010
Just as you imagined it in your dreams.
Son [Shakes me awake]: Dad, DAD! Wake up. The toilets clogged.
Son: Yeah, toilet’s clogged. And oh yeah, happy Father’s Day
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 19, 2017
In all honesty, thank you to all the dads out there who coach our kids in sports, engage in epic nerf gun battles, and teach them what fatherhood is all about. (Like training the kids to get you beers during the game. Life lessons are important.) Happy Father’s Day!