By Kari of My Questionable Life
Washington D.C. — Mass hysteria strikes as a nationwide shortage of pumpkins leaves women across the country deprived of their seasonal dose of PSL, leading to stress, exhaustion and in some extreme cases, seasonal affective disorder.
With migrant workers currently trapped on the other side of a giant wall erected along the U.S./Mexican border, there’s no one remaining to harvest the seasonal crops. Farmers have been left with no choice but to incinerate the normally bustling pumpkin fields to avoid insect infestations caused by the rotting gourds.
Each day, throngs of angry Lulelemon-clad women can be seen picketing outside the White House in protest of President Trump and his anti-immigration policy. According to the latest national poll, the fallout from this policy has put the fate of the holiday season in serious jeopardy.
When we reached out to President Trump for a comment regarding the controversy, he had this to say: “I plan to make America great again by strengthening our relations with Russia and importing all of our pumpkins from there. I see zero value in continuing to grow and harvest this crop in America, and I know the pumpkin farmers will agree with me.”
When pressed further about what this would mean for the current season, he said, “Look, I personally detest pumpkin flavor and don’t care about the emotional state of these overly sensitive and hormonal women. Coffee’s for people who were born unmotivated and lazy, and I’ve never met an attractive woman who drinks this vile beverage.”
A former Clinton aide contacted us anonymously to say they’ve heard that First Lady Melania is a huge fan of PSL, though no one has ever actually witnessed her ingesting food or beverage of any kind during the time that President Trump has been in office.
Liz Yates, 30, of the Wesley Heights neighborhood recently had a breakdown at her local Starbucks when she ordered her first grande, non-fat, low foam, pumpkin spice latte of the season and was informed that it’s no longer on the menu. Witnesses say Liz began shouting incoherent drink names at the baristas and chugging from random customers’ coffee cups as she raged around the normally quiet coffeehouse.
Liz had this to say: “I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m having an identity crisis. A PSL is my fall beverage. We’re all identified by our coffee orders. Once winter arrives, I’ll be fine because I’m a tall, skinny, soy, eggnog latte. In spring I’m a non-fat, sugar-free, vanilla latte, and in summer I’m a venti, iced, half caf latte with a splash of soy. Who am I now?! WHO AM I?!” Liz then began sobbing uncontrollably and had to be subdued.
Our calls to the popular Starbucks coffee chain weren’t immediately returned, but many industry experts are speculating the coffee giant is struggling to create other fall-inspired beverages that will preserve their now dwindling customer base. Sources say Starbucks has been experimenting with clove frappuccinos and butternut squash lattes, a move that seems both risky and potentially disgusting.
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