By MockMom Contributors
Since he’s a quintessential narcissist, it’s no surprise that Donald Trump has announced he’ll seek re-election. And, aside from a few die-hard Fox News enthusiasts, the world is groaning in unison, “AW, HELL NO!”
We don’t want four more years of Trump. We’d rather have a pulsating cold sore pop up the day of our family photo shoot. We’d rather listen to a recorder-only Nickelback cover band. We’d rather get stuck on the treadmill next to the stinky armpit lady at the gym.
Have I made myself clear? We do not want a Trump sequel. In fact, here is a list of horrible sequels we’d rather see than a second Trump term:
More Muthaf*ckin Snakes On This Muthaf*ckin Plane
Face-Off 2: They Switch Back
Star Wars Origins: The Jar Jar Binks Story
Die Hard 5: Killing off Bruce Willis is Impossible
Literally Whatever “Pirates of the Caribbean” They’re on Now
Grown-Ups 3: Adam Sandler Needs Money
Daredevil 2: Even Ben Affleck is Embarrassed of This
Left Behind 2: We Forgot a Few Folks
I Know What You Did 10 Summers Ago
Showgirls 2: This Time Lisa Turtle Gets Freaky
Showguys: Screech’s Turn
From Justin to Kelly, Then Back to Justin Again
Taken 4: Someone Finally Called CPS
You Got Served: A Second Helping
Spice World: Now with 25% More Spice
Gigli, Back and Giglier
Con Air 2: Nick Cage’s Skullet Rages On
New Year’s Day: Waking Up Next to the Person You Hooked Up With Last Night
Love Actually… Isn’t All That Great (A “Where are they now?” story)
Cast Away 2: I’m Back on This Fucking Island and What are the Odds?
Erin Brockovich Returns (And she’s kind of an ambulance chaser at this point)
Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Because We’re Going to Keep Making Trans Jokes No Matter How Unpopular They Are in 2018
Look Who’s Still Talking: Seriously, STFU Already
Weekend at Bernie’s 3: His Corpse is Pretty Decomposed Now
Total Recall 2: Completely Recalled (Followed by Total Recall 30 Years Later: I Don’t Recall Anything)
Forest Gump 2018: His Bench Mate Called An Uber So She Didn’t Have To Make Small Talk
Spiderman: Who Haven’t We Cast Yet?
Fast & Furious 12: The Fellas are Driving Mobility Scooters Now
Space Jam 2: This is Bound to be a Disappointment
Rocky VII: The Battle Against Alzheimer’s
Titanic 2: The Alternate Ending when Rose Made a Little Fucking Room on Her Door Instead of Being a Selfish Bitch
Sleeping Beauty 2: This Time It’s Mostly Consensual
What Women (Really) Want: Probably Not Mel Gibson
Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure Through the Medicare System
Mean Girls 2: The PTA Board Years
Another League of Their Own: This Time It’s Bowling
Tyler Perry Presents: Media’s iPhone Clips (a found footage film)
Rush Hour 4: Chris Tucker Just Yells the Entire Time and Jackie Chan Doesn’t Get A Word In Edgewise
Sharknado 6: Seriously, Someone is Still Funding this Franchise
Booty Call 3: U Up?
Problem Child 4: Junior Finally Gets a Behavioral Diagnosis
A franchise of sequels to Stomp the Yard: Stomp the Floor. Stomp the Sidewalk. Stomp a Bug. Stomp Your Feelings.
The Outsiders 2: Pony Boy No Longer Gold
How to Lose That Same Guy in 10 Days: Kate Hudson’s Guide to a Quickie Divorce (A documentary)
Slumdog Billionaire: Inflation Forced Him Back on the Show
Finding Marlin: Why Won’t These Fish Just Stay Together Already?
Eat, Pray, Love, Bask in Your White Privilege
Hopefully none of these films will ever happen. But if need be, I will bargain with the gods and make one myself if it means we can have a Trump-free Oval Office come 2020. If I do, it’s probably going to be ‘Another League of Their Own’, FYI.
Special thanks to Sarah Cottrell, Anna Gracia, Crystal Lowery, and Joanna McClanahan for contributing to this post.