MockMom

Trump on a Stump Will Bully Your Kids Into Good Behavior This Holiday Season

By Samantha Wassel of Between The Monkey Bars

Move aside, Elf on the Shelf: There’s a new eerily-grinning, cartoonish creep in town.

Up-and-coming toy company Mizojin-E is putting its own spin on the renowned holiday tradition that’s become increasingly popular over the past few years. Like its predecessor, the original Elf on the Shelf, Trump on a Stump™ is a spy-like doll that parents move around each night, manipulating children to behave under the premise that they are being “watched” by one of Santa’s creepy-ass “helpers.”

According to a recent press release from the company, Trump on a Stump™ will “definitely, almost 100% make all the bad, bad brats be very, very goodly good this holiday season.”

Similar to Elf on the Shelf, Trump on a Stump™ is available in a variety of skin tones, ranging from “jaundiced mustard” to “post-Cheeto vomit” and comes with a storybook explaining its origins. According to the book—Bah Trumpbug—instead of reporting children’s behavior to “the nasty fat guy,” Trump on a Stump™ answers to no one but himself. Because of course. Also, the book cautions that children who misbehave may be deported.

Instead of numerous outfit changes, parents will have the option of purchasing several different hair pieces for Trump on a Stump™, all of which are made from “mostly, almost totally and completely dead animals.” Yep, like actual, once-living-and-breathing-and-being-nothing-but-lovable animals. Mostly endangered ones. And several adorable puppies that were skinned alive.

Unlike Elf on the Shelf, it appears that Trump on a Stump™ is intended to remain outside, since even the company that designed it admits that “no one wants that creepy-ass motherfucker inside their actual home.” We assume this accounts for the “stump” nomenclature. Either the thing is supposed to lurk around in dark forests, kind of like Voldemort, or “stump” is a conveniently-rhyming allusion to the general aesthetic of the real Donald Trump’s fingers.

In any case, if you want to terrify your children into submission this holiday season, you may want to consider replacing your beloved Elf on the Shelf with a Trump on a Stump™, available now in select stores and places of demon worship.

In case you’re like our current president and didn’t realize it—or didn’t bother to read it—this is FAKE NEWS.

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About The Author

Samantha Wassel is a sarcastic and slightly unhinged SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettlebelling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars