Trump offered his “alternative” State of the Union address from in front of a raging dumpster fire this week.
The event took place after Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) blocked him from delivering the address in the House chamber while the government is shut down.
“I told them they couldn’t stop me from delivering my message straight to the American people,” Trump told reporters from the flaming dumpster.
“The ratings for this State of the Union address will be like nothing the world has ever seen before. The lying media will say it smelled like burning tires, but that’s just fake news.”
Reporters were seen wearing gas masks and some had tears streaming underneath. It’s hard to tell if they were crying from the fumes, or crying over what our nation has become.
Earlier in the week, Trump called Pelosi’s decision to bar him from the House a “disgrace,” as he crossed his arms and vigorously sucked his left thumb. He accused Pelosi of not wanting “to hear the truth” and bowing to the “super-left” members of her party. Then he yelled about how he wasn’t tired, as some of his staff dragged him away for his afternoon nap.
“This dumpster fire represents the warmth and tenacity of the American spirit. Coincidentally, it was the brightest distraction I could find from the Mueller investigation, which is a yuge waste of money and has hurt many innocent people,” said Trump.
He went on to insist, again, that the pee tape isn’t real and that he’s a very clean, hygienic person.
He then mentioned, several times, that he is in no way attracted to his daughter, all Mexicans are criminals, and that he is responsible for all Wall St. gains but never its losses.
He also spoke out in the defense of the Covington Catholic MAGA-hat teens, saying, “These teens have been mischaracterized by the lying media.” He also spoke out in defense of Louis CK, adding, “I don’t really know him, but he seems like a good guy.”
Pence made a small cameo with his wife, who he not-at-all-creepily calls “Mother.” They simply pointed to the fire and reiterated that’s where they think all gay people will burn for eternity.
All in all, it was a bizarre evening. And sadly, not anywhere close to the more fucked-up things this administration is responsible for.