Anchor: Authorities were called when things got out of hand concerning the legality of enrolling a boy named…named…he doesn’t have one because the parents say it’s no one’s business? Am I reading this right? And he’s five? Oh *censored*, we’re live. Cut.
We’re live outside Washington Elementary where a couple was refused the right to enroll their son into kindergarten. The reason: they didn’t want to reveal their son’s name. Jane and John Weiner say names shouldn’t matter to receive an education.
Jane Weiner: He has a name. We just don’t use it in public because it’s really no one’s business. I don’t need to hear my great aunt telling me how much she hates it. Because she will. She hates everything I do. She would tell my baby that to his face.
John Weiner: He’s five, Jane. You see, Jane wanted to keep it a secret when we were pregnant. At first I thought she was having a hormonal moment. She follows Beyonce on Instagram. Beyonce doesn’t reveal her baby names and I think maybe she thought…
Jane: I do not believe I am Beyonce. Why would you say that to cameras, John?
John: Oh, sorry. I thought maybe you were, you know, trending. You’re trending, Jane.
Jane: I mean, who wants to hear about your baby sharing a name with, I don’t know, my brother’s friend’s drug dealer? THAT’S NOT HIS NAME. WE DID NOT NAME OUR CHILD AFTER A DRUG DEALER. And my teacher friends are the worst. They have a list dating back to 2001 of all the kids names they have on a mother-*censored* *censored*-list. Listen to me, no kid of mine is a piece of *censored* kid.
John: Jane, you can’t cuss on live TV. Watch your mouth.
Jane: Did you just tell me to relax?
Anchor: We have the school principal here, Dr. Keister. Please explain, does the school have a required name policy?
Dr. Keister: We do. We cannot enroll a child without a legal name. I’ve never heard of this in my 30 years of being an administrator. Every child at school has a full, legal name. We were given the child’s social security cards and there’s an x.
Jane: THAT’S NOT HIS REAL NAME. He’s not X Weiner. THEY MADE ME PUT SOMETHING ON IT. May I just say something? I’m sick of the baby name stealing. You tell your baby’s name once and next thing you know, your sister is rubbing essential oils up her vagina, yanking at her nipples, doing all kinds of voodoo *censored* like a *censored* witch. Just so she can pop her baby out before you do. And you know what she does? Names her baby your name. So, no, I will not tell you my baby’s name.
John: He’s five, Jane. It’s okay.
Anchor: How does your child know when someone is talking to him?
John: Oh, if you say, “Hey,” he’ll turn around. Sometimes, “Hey, you,” or just, “Come here.” Jane has a good point: we didn’t want to make family members mad that we didn’t use family names. You know how people can get wrapped up in God-awful family names. My middle name is Dudley. It’s been passed on for generations and I couldn’t do it. My boy isn’t a dud.
Jane: Don’t give away hints, JOHN. You tell all your pregnant viewers that they can’t steal my baby’s name. You hear that, America? That’s our secret. Our son’s name is private and we are asking for privacy at this time. I don’t need anyone’s opinions if you like my kid’s name or not.
Dr. Keister: The parents have clearly gone too far withholding the name of the child they gave birth to five years ago. Can you turn off the camera for a minute? Off the record – I mean, who the *censored* withholds a name? No one cares. These new parents nowadays think the world revolves around them and their baby Simba held up on a mountain like they’re goddamn Beyonce or royalty. Guess what? We don’t give a *censored* what sex you’re having or what your baby’s name is. Congratulations, you gave birth. We’ve all given birth. This isn’t a *censored* reality show. Enroll the kid in school and move on. You can turn the cameras back on. It’s really out of my hands until they release it. The child cannot be enrolled at this time.
Jane: NEVER. I will never tell you my baby’s name.
Anchor: And there you have it. The Dudleys are –
John: It’s ‘Weiners’!
Anchor: The Weiners will be taking this to court next week. Back to you, Jim.
Jane: It’s not Jim, either!
About the Author
Julie Burton is a mom, wife, humor writer, and bacon-hater living in Overland Park, Kansas. She is a contributing writer and columnist in SimplyKC magazine. Burton is also a contributing author to the humor book, “But Did You Die?: Setting the Parenting Bar Low.” And yes, she really does hate bacon. Please don’t drop her as a friend. You can find more from her on her blog, Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.