Toddler’s Controversial Speech Creates Pandemonium at Local Playground

By Lauren Lodder of Mommy Owl

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

I am standing here today, binky in hand, to discuss some very important issues directly impacting every kid on this playground.

[Pauses for applause.] Thank you. Thank you.

The fact is this: All of these mommies and daddies think they know everything, but they don’t.

[Audience gasps.]

They don’t know, for example, that no matter what they do to make us happy – let us eat off the floor, swim in the potty, color the dog – we will still go into full tantrum mode because, joke’s on them, we don’t even know what we want.

Boom! How do ya like them apples?

Sometimes we like the pink cup, sometimes we like the red cup, sometimes we want to drink straight from the faucet. It’s not logic; it’s tod-ogic (a.k.a. toddler logic).

[Playground toddlers scream wildly; some throw their diapers.]

Second, I don’t like this goop these mommies and daddies are trying to pass off as “food.” This here [sticks tongue out for dramatic effect] is a complicated palate.

Moms, you think we don’t know you’re whippin’ up cauliflower and callin’ it “mashed potatoes?” LMDO (Laugh My Diaper Off)! We know. We weren’t born yesterday. Some of us are 36 months old, for cryin’ out loud! So give us the real stuff. We’re talking chicken nuggets dripping with gluten and covered in a thick layer of cheese, butter, and ketchup.

[Lights lunchbox on fire; crowd goes wild.]

Third and finally, I’ll tell ya what ticks me off the most: having to take naps on Mom’s and Dad’s schedules when I’m not even tired. I mean, so what if I’ve rubbed my eyes so many times they’re probably bleeding? So what if my mom is so sleep-deprived she looks like a zombie from The Walking Dead? That doesn’t mean I am willing to sleep just so the grownups can do stuff or whatever.

Heck to the no!

We are the center of the universe, and we will accept nothing less.

So you see, my friends, change starts with you. Just say NO to schedules. Just say NO to naps and sharing and sitting still. Just say NO even when what you actually mean is YES.

Thank you! And remember [whispers] it’s our little secret.

[Drops mic.]


About the Author

Lauren Lodder earned her BA from UC Berkeley and her MA from CSUF. Before becoming a work-at-home mom and a freelance writer, she taught writing and literature classes at the college level. You can find her on Facebook, on Twitter @Lhlodder, and on Instagram @mommyowl1.