By Kimberlee Koehn of kimberleek.com
I’m an organ donor. I’ve got the sticker on my license and everything. And when I die (which hopefully will be in a timely manner, but you never know) I hope my body can piñata its way into the hands of people who need it more than I will.
To those people, whether you’re reading this on a website on a computer, or on some kind of high tech floating orb in the mid to late 2000s, first off, hey! I totally used to be alive and typing this in my living room. Super sorry I’m dead and we can’t meet, but super glad my deadness can provide you with some superior aliveness. Before you take one (or more if it’s a perfect match/buffet type of situation) of my organs, however, I just wanted to provide you with some you should knows about said organs that might help you acclimate quicker.
1) My eyes
I’ve always liked my eyes. I think they’re a good shade of brown—not too, you know, just brown—and they have kickass vision. If you’re lucky enough to get them in the same shape they’re in right now, expect a lot of people to ask you, “what does that say up there?” because somehow you’ll be able to see it and you won’t know why. But watch out, you’ll also have a tendency to try and read too fast and you’ll mix words up. So just keep it cool and take your time. That is, unless you’re playing Jeopardy at home with your family; then by all means, read the question quicker than everyone else so you can answer first and win a point.
2) My Lungs
Let me tell you, the three of us have been on quite the journey. When I was in high school, I was convinced I had what I called “baby lungs” that were too weak to function (a.k.a run) when really I was just out of shape and needed to push through the hard part. So if you get one or both of these bad boys, expect some push back should you ever try to strive for any athletic accomplishments. But don’t let them quit on you! They are strong and they are capable of a hell of a lot; you just need to give ‘em time to warm up.
3) My Liver
My liver and I actually have a very good relationship. We’re like the Gilmore Girls but with less coffee. Sure, there are times when we’ve hurt each other, but we worked through it and came out stronger than ever. So just treat my liver like Rory would Lorelai and vice versa, and never shy away from a good pun in times of need.
4) My Kidneys
I’m not gonna lie, I actually had to look up what kidneys do—which FYI is remove waste and excess water from the blood—so I could feel properly prepared to prep you. Good news is, from what I’ve read, I treat my kidneys like fine wine! I’m an avid water drinker, which is the kidney equivalent of catnip. That being said, you might want to invest in a large—say, 32 ounces or so—reusable water bottle, as these guys are constantly craving that good H20. Straight up.
5) My Skin
For those of you who might need either a skin sweater and/or a quilt-like patch job, I have answers, but I also have questions. First off, we sunburn easily y’all. But then, would that even come into play? From what I’m reading, it really all depends on what kind of trouble the universe has put you in. If you get a big chunk of this epidermis and it works all Freaky Friday like, expect a lot of goosebumps and the occasional flare up of eczema with no rhyme or reason. Also: FRECKLES. Because when we don’t sunburn, we freckle like it’s our job. I’m looking down at my arms right now and it’s like the night sky up in here. I hope you get Orion’s Belt; that’s one of my favorites.
6) My Bones
These guys have been through a lot, but I like to think they like me more than they hate me, so I assume they’ll feel the same about you. They like to crack a lot, but try to think of it as their way of saying “hi” rather than “help.” And they like yoga, but they love lying down after long day of work. Also, they love ice cream. Because, you know, calcium. So make sure you get at least a few servings every week.
7) My Heart
When I say this gal is in the right place, I mean that both literally and figuratively. I was literally born with my heart in the right place—because FYI you can be born with it in the wrong place; I am learning so much right now—and I also often feel the old girl pushing and pulling me to do what’s right. Now, if you’re one of those “you think and feel with your brain, your heart literally just pumps blood and doesn’t have any emotional function” people, first off, calm down. I’m straight up giving you my heart right now. And not in the, “if you’re a bird, I’m a bird” way that you probably don’t even believe in. So go easy on the logicality, okay? Just take a deep breath, and let the woman go to work. Also, expect a lot of pounding. She tends to get a little worked up when she sees something she likes or something that makes her nervous. She’ll settle down, though. Try chewing through a pack of fruity Mentos and putting on a good playlist.
I’ll admit, it’s a little weird talking about giving you my organs. Especially since they’re so cozy and upbeat on the inside of living me right now. But I have faith they’ll treat you right. And hey, if all else fails, try kettle corn and a John Cusack movie — that usually puts all of us in this body at ease.
This post was originally published on kimberleek.com.
About the Author
Kimberlee Koehn is a writer based out of Los Angeles, CA. She runs a personal humor and lifestyle blog, Kimberlee K., and her work has been featured on multiple online publications. When she’s not writing, you can often find her reading, running, or watching sports, and most likely talking to herself. Read more at kimberleek.com, and follow Kimberlee on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.