By Crystal Lowery of Creepy Ginger Kid
According to Google, there are four trillion mommy blogs in existence today, all seeking to voice their individual viewpoints about everything from sleep training to training bras. With so much competition, it is difficult for bloggers to stay relevant. When writer’s block hits, a neat trick is to take someone else’s benign material and respond in outrage with an open letter addressed to that individual but meant to be read by a wider audience. Sure, it’s a lazy, uncreative format, but it gets the clicks, man.
Earlier this week, there was a string of open letters both defending and scolding a mother for her parenting decision to eat fast food. It was like chain mail on crack. As a blogger myself, I was stumped for original material and so felt compelled to respond to the mom who wrote to the other mom who complained about the first mom and the third mom. I’d like to say a few words to the fifth mom in defense of the fourth mom and round things out with a general shaming of the third mom.
(I know these open letters can get confusing, so I’ve made a handy chart to help you follow along:)
Dear Mom Number Five,
Since I have no hobbies outside of the internet, I have been following this week’s most recent Mommy-Gate open letter battle, which began on Sunday when mom number two scolded mom number one about her decision to go through the KFC drive-thru for dinner.
Mom number three then grew outraged at number two for butting into number one’s business, at which point mom number four criticized both mom number one and mom number three. You responded to mom number four as follows:
“Good for nothing @~!% chinchilla %#@&*%$ with a #@!!&%*# bathtub #??£!%£ peanut butter #@!!$%&@ +&*^% dumpster #%&%^)* Colonel Sanders #*%&&!$!# hobo #&%&! go *&%#@ #%&$#*& with a plastic lawn chair.”
That was pretty strong language. Especially since you admitted you never actually read number four’s letter but formulated your rebuttal based solely on the title of her post.
Tell me, mom number five, would you say something like that to number four’s face?
I’m guessing your blog, “Gentle Parenting by Rain Blossom,” is meant to be read ironically. Especially since in your bio you admit that you do not yet have any children.
This isn’t about chicken anymore. It is about something much greater. It is about me entering into a useless dialogue because I like to hear myself talk. Which reminds me, free speech. Yeah, this is about free speech.
Number four had every right to argue with number one and number three. We live in a country where, no matter how unimaginative and banal your views, you are entitled to free speech…and a blog. Besides, since number four is an opponent of fast food, she was probably using all her mental energy to diet and couldn’t hold back her hatred for those who get to eat delicious fried chicken. Can you blame her? The woman hasn’t had extra-tasty-crispy in five years. FIVE YEARS.
You seem to side with mom number three, who is clearly over-reacting to mom number two’s use of hyperbole. (Mom number three, if you are reading this, shame on you. Shame, shame, shame.)
BTW, number five, is your name really Rain Blossom? If so, I offer my deepest sympathies and retract my previous scolding. You have suffered enough.
Mom number six
P.S. Everybody please share this post and invite all your friends to like my blog. Then friend request a bunch of distant acquaintances so you can invite them to like my page. Also, if you are just “following” me, you’ll need to go in the top corner and click on the blue “like” icon, too, so that my numbers will go up and then I can share my gobshite on a larger platform. If we are Facebook friends and I have invited you to like the blog already, I can’t re-invite you, so just like it and then you can hide my posts afterward if you don’t actually want to see them. It’s what true friends do. But go the extra mile, will you? Share everything I write, no matter how cringe-worthy or attention-seeking, because I need your validation. Also, if you would personal message me a few open letters to which I can reply, that would be great because I need material for next week. Like & share. Then like what you’ve shared. Then like it when other people share it.
Oh, and tag your friends, too.
A version of this post first appeared on Creepy Ginger Kid
About the Author
Crystal Lowery is an American mom working in England. By day, she does medical research, by night she wrangles two small children, a boy and a girl. She has made millions laugh on The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Sammiches & Psych Meds, In the Powder Room, Mumsnet and others. You can find her blogging at Creepy Ginger Kid and she’d love for you to follow her on Facebook.