Shelley Chapman Butler, who is from North Carolina and now lives in Michigan, has a sense of humor — and also a retired uterus. The funny mom hosted a yard sale (with a twist) to benefit her mother, who had brain cancer, featuring her own items as well as items donated from about 60-70 families in her town, and her photo is now going viral.
I’m not sure if you all have noticed, but baby crap just piles up and multiplies. It starts with a couple of bags of hand-me-downs and a car seat, but before you know it, you’ve become a hoarder–especially if you have more than one child. Veteran moms hang on to five different types of baby carriers because they know that one might work for any future/potential/hypothetical children.
And when they’ve had so many kids that it’s time to retire their wombs? They basically have an entire Babies-R-Us stockpiled in the garage.
I remember when I decided I was ready to chop the ‘ol fallopes. I saw a newborn baby and instead of basking in his cuteness, I felt sorry for the mother because I knew she was in the midst of round-the-clock feedings, sticky breastmilk poo, and months, nay, years of sleeplessness.
Parenting is relentless: soothing out-of-control emotions, teaching self-centered humans to be empathetic, preparing healthy food, picking up the same mess 50 times per day, heck, keeping them from killing themselves in general. Good. Grief. Let’s just all take a moment for a collective sigh (if you are reading this while at home with small children, in lieu of a sigh, you are most likely checking that your toddler isn’t coloring on the couch cushions because he has been too quiet these last five minutes and WHO HAS TIME TO SIGH?!?).
That being said, I came to the conclusion that I, like Shelley Chapman Butler, was ready to retire my uterus. When I got sterilized, gathering the massive bags of baby goods around my house was something to behold. I didn’t opt for a yard sale, but instead gave anyone of childbearing age a door prize when they left my home. It was like Oprah’s favorite things, only with stained bibs instead of Ford Fiestas.
You get a bib!
And you get a bib!
And you…well, you get a used Diaper Genie.
In hindsight, I probably should have just done what Ms. Chapman Butler did and hosted a sale, since the recipient of the Diaper Genie is still awkward around me for giving her a glorified septic tank.
Here’s a take-home lesson for first-time pregnant moms: befriend the retired uterus lady. She just wants that shit out of her house. Sometimes literally.