By Alison Huff of Please Stop Putting Crackers Down My Shirt
– Lose your FOMO and embrace the JOMO.
– Go back to a simpler time and order coffee from literally anywhere other than Starbucks.
– Buy an avocado and an entire loaf of artisan bread with the money you save buying a plain cup of coffee.
– Make avocado toast and share it on Instagram.
– Get productive by reorganizing your iCloud Drive because that’s what an adulting adult would do.
– Go online and buy a new pair of skinny jeans because organization is hard AF and you’re so done.
– Make a donation to the ACLU and Instagram a sanctimonious selfie.
– Attempt to perfect the man bun and Snapchat the results.
– Start an emoji war with your bestie.
– Win the war. #SorryNotSorry
– Realize that avocado toast isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and take an Uber to the nearest food truck.
– Aimlessly walk the streets of your city while telling everyone your name is Jeff.
– Get an ironic tattoo and tweet about it. #LoveTheSkinYoureIn
– Find the absolute perfect Himalayan salt lamp in a quirky little corner shop.
– Much to the dismay of the cashier, holler “YAAAAAAAS, bitch!” at the lamp.
– Lick the salt lamp to make sure it’s legit. #SoSalty
– Take your new salt lamp to the city park so it can watch you practice fidget spinner tricks.
– Realize that shrimp from a rando food truck was maybe not the best decision you’ve ever made.
– Begin to feel quite ratchet TBH, and request a ride home.
– Yack in the back of a Lyft.
– Spend 15 minutes selecting the perfect filter for your Instagram photo. #YacksonPollock
– Decide to use it for your Facebook profile, too.
– Place your salt lamp on the table, right next to your essential oil diffuser. Wonder if one object will affect the chi of the other.
– Google “salt lamp and essential oil diffuser together good or bad for chi.”
– Move the salt lamp.
– Put on your coziest pajamas and binge watch ‘The Office’ on Netflix for the third time.
– Tweet a bleary-eyed selfie and publicly declare your undying love for your couch. #TogetherForever #RelationshipGoals
– Fall asleep two episodes into ‘The Office’ because you can’t even.
About the Author
Mother of Doom and Destruction, Alison Huff is a writer from rural northeast Ohio. A contributor to anthologies and random websites that strike her fancy, she regularly writes for BLUNTmoms and on her own blog, Please Stop Putting Crackers Down My Shirt.