By Alison Huff of Please Stop Putting Crackers Down My Shirt

– Lose your FOMO and embrace the JOMO.

– Go back to a simpler time and order coffee from literally anywhere other than Starbucks.

– Buy an avocado and an entire loaf of artisan bread with the money you save buying a plain cup of coffee.

– Make avocado toast and share it on Instagram.

– Get productive by reorganizing your iCloud Drive because that’s what an adulting adult would do.

– Go online and buy a new pair of skinny jeans because organization is hard AF and you’re so done.

– Make a donation to the ACLU and Instagram a sanctimonious selfie.

– Attempt to perfect the man bun and Snapchat the results.

– Start an emoji war with your bestie.

– Win the war. #SorryNotSorry

– Realize that avocado toast isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and take an Uber to the nearest food truck.

– Aimlessly walk the streets of your city while telling everyone your name is Jeff.

– Get an ironic tattoo and tweet about it. #LoveTheSkinYoureIn

– Find the absolute perfect Himalayan salt lamp in a quirky little corner shop.

– Much to the dismay of the cashier, holler “YAAAAAAAS, bitch!” at the lamp.

– Lick the salt lamp to make sure it’s legit. #SoSalty

– Take your new salt lamp to the city park so it can watch you practice fidget spinner tricks.

– Realize that shrimp from a rando food truck was maybe not the best decision you’ve ever made.

– Begin to feel quite ratchet TBH, and request a ride home.

– Yack in the back of a Lyft.

– Spend 15 minutes selecting the perfect filter for your Instagram photo. #YacksonPollock

– Decide to use it for your Facebook profile, too.

– Place your salt lamp on the table, right next to your essential oil diffuser. Wonder if one object will affect the chi of the other.

– Google “salt lamp and essential oil diffuser together good or bad for chi.”

– Move the salt lamp.

– Put on your coziest pajamas and binge watch ‘The Office’ on Netflix for the third time.

– Tweet a bleary-eyed selfie and publicly declare your undying love for your couch. #TogetherForever #RelationshipGoals

– Fall asleep two episodes into ‘The Office’ because you can’t even.

*****

About the Author

Mother of Doom and Destruction, Alison Huff is a writer from rural northeast Ohio. A contributor to anthologies and random websites that strike her fancy, she regularly writes for BLUNTmoms and on her own blog, Please Stop Putting Crackers Down My Shirt.