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These People Are Gearing Up for the World’s Okayest Christmas

A couple of years ago, I was invited to a mommy group’s Christmas cookie exchange where the host required attendees to bring recipes made from scratch. She even recommended we each create a Pinterest board for inspiration.

I’m sorry, but the only thing that ever inspires my December baking is Pepperidge Farm. (Mint Milanos count as home-made if you put them on a nice plate, right??)

Since I work full-time and I have two kids and I bake about as well as Britney Spears chooses boyfriends, I panicked a bit. Sure, Pinterest-worthy Christmases are lovely and memorable, but what about those of us who just can’t meet that standard?

Perhaps you’re in the same boat this holiday season. This year, let’s embrace “good enough.” Let’s gear up for the world’s okay-est Christmas.

Here are a few Christmas Spirit Animals joining us on our journey.

Meet Bryan. He wrote in to KICX Radio to tell them about his vast overestimation of tree decorations. Even his cat was ashamed.

Photo Credit: KICX
Photo Credit: KICX

Here is a realistic Christmas tree from the Truth Bomb Mom. Solidarity, sister.

Photo Credit: Truth Bomb Mom

Another realistic tree for moms of toddlers, because why even try?




Photo Credit: Creepy Ginger Kid

One of my favorite funny ladies, Mommy Cusses, is finally calling out that Elf on the Shelf for the creepy little stalker he is.

Photo Credit: Mommy Cusses
Photo Credit: Mommy Cusses

And for you well-intentioned EOTS underachievers, People I Want to Punch in the Throat has come up with a calendar to get you through the month. Because, let’s face it, he’s been out for three days and you already regret buying him.

Photo Credit: People I Want to Punch in the Throat
Photo Credit: People I Want to Punch in the Throat

Do you need some more inspiration for your own world’s okay-est Christmas? Well, look no further than your local Walmart. Wally World can help you achieve your dreams of vague, yuletide mediocrity.

For instance…

Want to incorporate a tacky Christmas feature in your lawn but don’t know where to start? Why not siphon some of Santa’s cookie supply this guy’s way?

Sure, without the candy cane this oversized Allister Cookie will make your front yard look as if the monster is randomly loitering in the wrong neighborhood, modestly covering his blue junk with a scarf he found on Etsy. But who cares? It’s Christmas, dammit! As an added bonus, you can dress him up for other holidays. I mean, that candy cane could make a pretty convincing American Flag for the 4th of July.

But if you can’t be bothered with lawn ornaments, I give you the Star Shower.

Laser lights? More like lazy lights. Shower your home with thousands of tiny bolts of IDGAF. I actually saw this thing on a house in my neighborhood and I was all, “Respect.” Not that I respected their effort. Rather, I respected the fact that those folks would most certainly be taking their Christmas lights down before Easter, so I won’t have to fucking look at them every time I drive by in 2017.

Finally, for those of you whose children are always losing the pieces to your nativity scene, why not go with a decorative nativity plate?

Is Joseph contorting his body in such a way that makes us all uncomfortable? Sure.

Does young Jesus resemble the Gerber baby more than a Son of Israel? You betcha.

Will your kleptomaniac kids shatter the plate into a million pieces and/or try to serve themselves Cheerios from atop the Holy Family? Of course they will.

But until then you can display it without fretting over the whereabouts of the wise men/shepherds/manger/angels.

Anyway, if your tree looks like the three in the beginning of this post and your Elf on the Shelf game could best be described as, “Throw that tiny f**ker across the room before the kids see you forgot to move him” and you are seriously considering letting Walmart turn you into a full-fledged holiday half-ass, welcome, friend.

You can come to my Christmas cookie exchange party.

I hope you like Mint Milanos.