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There Is A Trump Inauguration Poem And It’s Even Worse Than You Can Imagine

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In 1961, John F. Kennedy was the first president to have a poem read at his inauguration. It was “The Gift Outright” by Robert Frost. Bill Clinton had poetry readings at each of his two inaugurations, as did Barack Obama. So far, this seems to be a Democratic tradition, and a hit-or-miss one at that.

American poet Joseph Charles MacKenzie is hoping to change that with a poem he wrote specifically for Donald Trump’s inauguration.

The poem supposedly pays tribute to Trump’s Scottish roots, but I would argue that the real theme of this piece is delusion.

Here is the poem, with my literary commentary in parentheses. (And just to reiterate: This is a real poem written by a legitimate American poet. There is nothing to indicate it is intended to be satirical.)

Pibroch of the Domhnall

Come out for the Domhnall, ye brave men and proud,

(“Domhnall is apparently the Scottish form of Donald and is pronounced doe-null, but I’m just pretending it means “dumbass” because that makes more sense to me in this context.)

The scion of Torquil and best of MacLeod!
With purpose and strength, he came down from his tower
To snatch from a tyrant his ill-gotten power.

(Alrighty, then. So, we’re calling Obama a tyrant right out of the gate. Also, ill-gotten power? You mean like a reality star who lost the popular vote by 3 million votes but still managed to become president because of our antiquated electoral college?)

Now the cry has gone up with a cheer from the crowd:
“Come out for the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!”
When freedom is threatened by slavery’s chains

(Unless I missed Donald Trump tweeting about “Thirteenth” and his commitment to shutting down the industrial prison complex that disproportionately targets young black males, you need to get the fuck out of my face with this shit right here.)

And voices are silenced as misery reigns,

(Misery? Are you talking about affordable healthcare and low unemployment? Oh, no! My free birth control pills are helping me family-plan AND clearing up my adult acne! The misery!)

We’ll come out for a leader whose courage is true

(It must have taken true courage to get five draft deferments during the Vietnam War. Paperwork is hella scary, y’all.)

Whose virtues are solid and long overdue.

(I didn’t realize that serial adultery and sexual assault were virtues. Was Donald Trump elected president of Bizarro World?)

For, he’ll never forget us, we men of the crowd
Who elected the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!
When crippling corruption polluted our nation

(Like when the President-Elect appointed the CEO of ExxonMobil to be his secretary of state? Wait – are we talking about figurative or literal pollution? Actually, my example works either way. Never mind.)

And plunged our economy into stagnation,

(You know what has plunged? Our unemployment rate. It’s the lowest in nine years.)

As self-righteous rogues took the opulent office
And plump politicians reneged on their promise

(Is he fat-shaming Chris Christie?)

The forgotten continued to form a great crowd
That defended the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!
The Domhnall’s a giver whilst others just take,

(A giver? Of what? Undersized high-fives? Genital warts?)

Ne’er gaining from that which his hands did not make.

(Except that big-ass inheritance he got from Daddy.)

A builder of buildings, employing good men.
He’s enriched many cities by factors of ten.

(By leaving?)

The honest and true gladly march with the crowd
Standing up for the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!
True friend of the migrant from both far and near,

(Seriously? We’re talking about the guy who called Mexican immigrants rapists and murderers, right?)

He welcomes the worthy, but guards our frontier,

(Okay, here we go with the caveat…)

Lest a murderous horde, for whom hell is the norm,

(Wait – are we still talking about immigrants or is there a potential zombie invasion that I don’t know about? Is Trump pledging to build an ice wall to protect us from the white walkers? Because that is something I could get on board with, as long as we make Canada pay for it.)

Should threaten our lives and our nation deform.
We immigrants hasten to swell the great crowd.

(We immigrants? The dude who wrote this is American.)

Coming out for the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!
Academe now lies dead, the old order rots,

(It will be buried next to Prince and David Bowie. *sob*)

No longer policing our words and our thoughts;

(Wait – the last eight years of racial slurs and blackface on social media was America with the filter ON? Fuck.)

Its ignorant hirelings pretending to teach

(We don’t need no book learnin’!)

Are backward in vision, sophomoric in speech.

(Backward in vision? Really? The “liberal elite” aren’t the ones trying to set the country back fifty years.)

Now we learned of mind add ourselves to the crowd

(Now you’re learned?)

That cheers on the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!
The black man, forgotten, in poverty dying,

(I don’t even know where to start with this bullshit.)

The poor man, the sick man, the young children crying,

(And Trump responds, “I’ll give you something to cry about!” and takes away their healthcare.)

The soldier abroad and the mother who waits,
The young without work or behind prison gates,
The veterans, wounded, all welcome the crowd
That fights for the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!
Whilst hapless old harridans flapping their traps

(Oh. No. You. Didn’t.)

Teach women to look and behave like us chaps,

(Because we wear pants and want equal pay? Tell you what: We’ll stop short of spreading our legs three seats wide on the subway and telling you how your reproductive systems work.)

The Domhnall defends the defenseless forlorn;
For, a woman’s first right is the right to be born.

(This is the part where you overturn Roe V. Wade, right? Fuck you.)

Now the bonnie young lassies that fly to the crowd

(I’ll be sitting over here with the rest of the ugly harpies, thanks.)

Have a champion in Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!
But for all his great wisdom, the braw gallant man

(Gallant? Is that what we call a man who grabs women by their pussies? Just checking.)

Is matched by his children, the handsome Trump clan,

(Are we talking about all of them, even Tiffany? Or just the ones he lets out?)

And the flower of Europe, Melania the fair,

(I think we’ve all seen pictures of Melania’s flower on the internet.)

Adds a luster and grace with her long flowing hair.
May they flourish and prosper to form a great crowd
Around the good Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!
Is there man left in Scotland, without base alloy,
Who remembers the Wallace, the Bruce, or Rob Boy?

(I think these are Scottish folk heroes? I don’t know. I watch Outlander for the sex, not the history.)

Or have five hundred years of a blasphemous lie
Robbed your manhood of might that you lay down and die?

(This is why insurance plans will continue to cover Viagra.)

Get up and walk free, all ye brave men and proud!
Long life to the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!

(For the record, the President-Elect did not commission this poem, and there is no indication that it will be read at the inauguration. Perhaps Ted Nugent and Kid Rock can team up and recite a dirty limerick instead.)