By Abby Byrd of Little Miss Perfect
You know that companies like Chick-fil-A, Cracker Barrel, and Hobby Lobby are anti-gay. You deplore bigotry, especially when it’s spouted under the guise of “religious conviction.”
But you love waffle fries.
We here at MockMom understand your dilemma. You want to teach your children social justice, but it’s hard to resist the lure of a place like Chick-fil-A. They serve juicy seasoned chicken, perfect waffle fries, and heavenly hand-spun milkshakes. Their tables and play areas are always clean. Their cashiers are exceedingly polite. Without fail, they tell you it was their “pleasure” to serve you—and they look like they mean it. You can even look around for homophobic menu items like that “Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu with Fag-Punching Sauce” you read about in “The Onion,” but you won’t find any. Just delicious food, friendly service, and a safe play area for your children.
What’s a socially conscious parent to do? Here are some tips for surviving—and thriving—at Chick-fil-A.
Don’t feel self-conscious. No one can tell by the way you look what a hypocrite you are–unless you’re driving a Prius covered in rainbows. In that case, do not go through the drive-thru. Park in another lot and walk toward a different building. Then, after you’ve had a chance to distance yourself from your vehicle, cut over and slink toward the signature red roof. You’ll recognize it. It’s as red as the shed blood of thousands of Christly chickens who gave their lives for you.
Try to blend in. That means no jumping up from your table with a waffle fry in hand, screaming, “They’re tainted! It’s a plot by the Christian right to drug us and make us zombies so they can rewrite our laws and establish a fascist state!” Also, don’t knock over a poster of the Chick-fil-A cow and yell, “Your grammar sucks, you gay-hating shitface!” Come on. He’s just a cow. He doesn’t deserve that.
Judge others harshly but unobtrusively. Scan the other tables for people who look like bigots. You can involve your children in this activity. You might call it “I Spy A Bigot” or some other fun-sounding name. When you find these bigots, glare at them and spend a few moments contemplating your moral superiority. (Hint: It’s probably those old fat people. That Chevy truck with the NRA sticker must be theirs. Troglodytes.)
Reflect. We tried honoring the LGBT people by reflecting on their trials while we’re eating, but that was a downer. Instead, we prefer to imagine gay sex. Try it! You can do this in whatever way is comfortable for you. Perhaps man-on-man during the nuggets and woman-on-woman during the fries? Think about various bisexual configurations anytime. Don’t forget transgender people. If you can’t fit them in during the main meal, at least devote a few minutes to watching a gender reassignment surgery on YouTube while you’re enjoying a shake for dessert.
Give back. Every time you indulge in Chick-fil-A, hop online and donate to an organization that supports LGBT rights. It’s the sociological equivalent of erasing your carbon footprint. And don’t worry—whatever organization you choose won’t be able to see how greasy your fingers are as you navigate their website, Judas.
Resist the power of advertising. Instead of allowing your children to be mindlessly controlled by corporations, teach them to respect all human beings. For example, note how we cleverly altered this book one of our staffers got with a Chick-fil-A kids meal:
See? All it takes is a little ingenuity. Who’s serving up some steaming hot social justice? You are, parents. You are.
Related Post: Atheist Family Hiding Behind Facade of Normalcy
About the Author
Abby Byrd is a teacher, a grammarian, and the poster mom for existential angst. Her work has appeared on Scary Mommy/Club Mid, In The Powder Room, BLUNTMoms, Mamalode, The Good Men Project, The Reject Pile, and The Big Jewel, as well as in two anthologies. She is a frequent contributor to MockMom. Follow her on Twitter, on Facebook, and at her blog, Little Miss Perfect.