By Gail Hoffer-Loibl of Maybe I’ll Shower Today

Nothing brings out the true meaning of the holidays quite like showering the kiddos with toys they will get bored with before New Year’s Eve. If you have been a lazy, horrible parent and still haven’t bought your gifts, fear not.

Here is the definitive list of goodies sure to please your discerning spawn:

Baby Whines-a-Lot

This adorable doll is programmed with tons of phrases, including: “ I want cereal! No juice!” “You give me cookies!” “This bath is too wet!” and “I wear shoes to bed!” Aspirin not included.

Magically Multiplying Builder’s Set

Give your child the gift of a million jagged choking hazards. Much like the cockroach, these gems will never disappear and will continue to bring shrieks of delight whenever the bottom of your foot discovers one.

My First Very Fragile Doll House

If you are looking for the perfect heirloom piece to sit on your kid’s shelf and taunt her forever, this is it. Defy her to not play with the miniature kitchen set or tiny library. One day she’ll pass on the resentment to her own children.

World’s Most Expensive Cardboard Box

Watch in awe as your child carelessly tosses the contents aside and proceeds to use the box as a race car. Sure, you spent your bonus on the toy “he always wanted,” but the smile on his face makes it all worth it.

Creepy Cuddle Bear

This plush friend really loves your kid and will let you know that every moment of the day. Even at night. With the lights out. While your child is sleeping.

Toys are available in store, online, or through the help of family vying for the role of favorite relative.

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About the Author

Gail Hoffer-Loibl is the mom of questionable hygiene and sanity behind Maybe I’ll Shower Today. Find her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.