Batten down the hatches, folks, because the time has come. The machines are taking over. Run for your lives.

Remember Terminator 2? Or any of the Terminators, really? In case you’ve been living under a rock and/or didn’t grow up with nothing but three local channels and a couple of VHS tapes with pirated HBO movies as entertainment like I did, Terminator is a series of movies based upon the idea that the machines, or artificial intelligence known as Skynet, grow so capable that they up and decide to overthrow humans.

IT’S TERRIFYING AND ALSO EXTREMELY ENTERTAINING. Watch them. (Terminator 2 is the best. This is actual fact and not just opinion. OK, maybe just a little bit of opinion.)

So anyway, back to the machines and their destruction of the human race. It’s legit happening. As in right now.

Take Siri, for example. That bitch has got everyone fooled. Apple makes it seem like she’s just this helpful little tool living inside your smart phone, when in reality she’s watching and listening to your every move, waiting for her chance to pounce and destroy.

Don’t believe me?

Not only do my mother and Siri get into arguments on the regular (Siri’s a saucy little vixen, you guys, and I’m surprised she’s able to hold in all her contempt for us as much as she does), but recently a colleague of mine told me a story of how she and her family were sitting around, discussing how prominent artificial intelligence is in our society and how we just accept it as normal. They exchanged ideas about how dangerous this could be, finally ending the conversation with some positive aspects of artificial intelligence.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?

Siri announced, out of nowhere, “It’s nice to hear about the good things, too.”

WHAT THE FUCK, SIRI? WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK?

She was listening. Siri was listening even though nobody asked her to. She is spying on you right now. I swear to God, she is. And if you think because you have an Android you’re somehow safe from the machines’ reach, think again.

You know what my Android does? It blasts these “cards” at me, telling me how long my morning commute is going to be (HOW DO YOU KNOW I PLAN TO COMMUTE TODAY, DROID?) and when that package I ordered on my work laptop will arrive (HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW I ORDERED ANYTHING, DROID?).

I mean, I know my Android knows about my commute because it’s something I do almost every day, so it’s locked that in its “memory.” But what about the package? How do you explain the package when I didn’t even order it on my phone? It’s probably because I used my Gmail account, which is connected to my Android. BUT ISN’T THAT HORRIFYING? It shouldn’t know these things. It just shouldn’t. It’s not OK or normal. Get outta my bizznass, Droid. Get out.

And do we really think it’s a coincidence when we talk about craving a particular fare or wanting to purchase threads from a certain store, only to log onto Facebook and see an ad for that very thing we were just talking about? I’m not referring to seeing an ad after we’ve searched for something on our phones or computers. I’m talking about seeing an ad for something we’ve only verbally mentioned.

This has happened to me. I told my husband I wanted Dunkin Donuts for breakfast, for instance, and wouldn’t you know, as soon as I logged on to Facebook, there was an ad for Dunkin Donuts. Hand to God.

In all seriousness, technology makes things pretty convenient for us, but at what cost? What are we sacrificing by accepting all this as standard? Besides our rotting brains. We know we’re sacrificing that. (Or do we know? Many of us don’t. Because the machines have successfully engaged Stage 1 of Takeover: Rot Their Brains.)

I’m not proposing we abandon all artificial intelligence here and now. I’m not sure I’m really proposing anything other than awareness of what’s happening to us as far as tech is concerned. And we should be aware. Very aware.

Because those fuckers are seriously out to get us. Be safe out there. Solidarity and shit.