By Christina Liparini of Women’s Reach
I’ve jinxed myself before, but I think it’s safe to say that the diapers and reward systems are behind us. My conversations with other mothers no longer predictably drift to the topics of pee and poop. It was a long, bumpy, dirty road to potty competence. Before the memories fade and take on a sentimental tinge (e.g., childbirth), let me share the dirty dozen milestones those of you in the thick of training can expect:
1. Being subjected to days-long house arrest. Lured by the promise of full training in mere days, you will live by the clock and light up when the UPS delivery gives you a brief connection to the outside world.
2. Having a plus-one in the car. Have potty, will travel! As you both eventually leave the house fully clothed, you may choose to have a new friend tagging along in the trunk. The price you pay for encouraging your little one to listen to his or her body means staying in the right lane and stopping every quarter mile for him or her to visit the makeshift bathroom that can easily be constructed curbside or in your SUV trunk. As you wait for your little one to finish sitting for twenty unproductive minutes, entertain yourself by scanning the horizon for other moms hanging out by their cars.
3. Discovering a literature niche. Who knew there were so many books about peeing and pooping, especially the latter?
4. Seeing stores in a new light. No longer do you just need to make sure you have the supplies required for a trip out with your toddler, but you also need to be vigilant as to the timing and layout. When was the last time he or she tried? Will you be able to easily access a bathroom in time? Can you accost a store employee and beg to use the Employees Only restroom? Which brings me to….
5. Embracing Mother Nature. This means embracing seeing a naked behind and a damp tree trunk if you have a boy. If you have a girl and you’re desperate, this can also work. At least desperation convinces us it can.
6. Sending the least sexy texts ever. As your child becomes proud of his or her newfound abilities and output, he or she will want to show Mommy and Daddy…every time. This is not so easy when Daddy is away. Not one to minimize your child’s accomplishments, you will send graphic photos. If you are kind, you will preface said photos with a warning and apology. If you are resentful for having to see, smell and clean the potty, you will just hit send.
7. Engaging in intense negotiations. By the end, you may lose count of the reward systems used and how many times a toddler bests you by finding loopholes in the system (e.g., “Hmm…I get a jellybean every time I pee? Well, here’s two drops for you. I’ll see you in a minute with another two drops. Just make it easier on us both and keep the jellybean jar open.”)
8. Getting too excited too soon. Karma follows humble bragging on Facebook about how sad you are that your little one is now so big. This behavior is also accompanied by giving away an almost-full case of diapers and then foraging through all drawers and bags for a stray until a new case is secured. Strangely, these behaviors don’t make it into the Facebook feed.
9. Becoming increasingly self-conscious about your own bodily functions. News flash: Your own pee and poop are no longer your own. Your little one now considers them communal property and will demand to see them. This hurts more than the loss of a closed bathroom door.
10. Watching your toddler’s poop performance art. If you are lucky, this will take the form of your toddler drawing pictures of his or her poop or bending and twisting his or her body to mimic its shape. If you are not among the lucky, he or she will engage in these behaviors to describe your poop. The most unfortunate have to watch in horror as strangers are informed of your bathroom habits.
11. Answering endless questions about body functions. Your life experience thus far will enable you to answer most of them correctly. It’s okay to improvise on questions such as whether zombies poop.
12. Missing diapers. It turns out that there is some truth in that humble brag, and you may miss that padded rear profile. However, walking past the cracked bathroom door to see chubby feet swinging has its own charm.
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About the Author
Among other things, Christina is a therapist, professor, and mother of one boy who came after a hard-won battle with infertility. While she’s still not exactly calling them gifts, her experiences with depression, anxiety, endometriosis, and a touch of cancer have left her with more empathy, humor, and faith. She overcommits, overshares, and over-helps but probably won’t change that anytime soon. Follow Christina on Women’s Reach and on Facebook.