MockMom

The 3 Most Family-Friendly Cities to Tell the Kids About Your Imminent Divorce

By Jared Bilski

1. Washington, D.C. Most of the ample attractions in this kid-friendly city are free, which is a good thing because you’re going to wind up paying a fortune to legally end the marriage in which you once believed so strongly.

Experts recommend breaking the news of your failed union after a visit to the Smithsonian Institution National Museum of Natural History (Did somebody say dinosaurs?!) but just before a stop at the National Air and Space Museum of American history (Far out!).

Insider tip: No matter how despondent they become, your kids gotta eat. Jaleo, located in Penn Quarter, serves up top-caliber tapas on a glass-covered foosball table where you can play between courses. It’s the perfect place to avoid the awkward silences and tear-filled breakdowns that follow your children’s desperate attempts to process the emotionally traumatizing news from earlier in the day.

2. Bloomington, Minnesota. Home to the Mall of America, Bloomington is the perfect place to apply some good ole fashioned retail therapy to confused kids who just had their innocence shattered by those whom they trusted most.

Challenge your spoiled children to see how many bags they can carry at once, and use the opportunity to stress positive aspects of divorce by saying things like, “Look how much you love getting new stuff, Son. Well, I’ve got good news for you; when our divorce is official, you’ll be getting double the Christmas presents, double the birthday presents, double everything.”

(Note: Cinnamon-sugar encrusted pretzel and big, soppy tears don’t mix, so avoid Auntie Anne’s at all costs. If your sad, probably obese children must eat their feelings to cope, opt for less messy options like Chick-fil-A nuggets and fries.)

Insider tip: To get a break from the shopping (or save your credit card from being maxed out), head over to Nickelodeon Universe where your damaged little ones can scream into the void on a thrilling roller-coaster or hit the Water Park of America for a family surfing lesson.

3. Orlando, Florida. Disney promises to be the happiest place on earth, so why not put Mickey, Minnie and the stable of politically correct princesses to the test? If your children can still have a great time despite hearing their father is leaving them to live with your Aunt Rita because he just couldn’t live the lie any longer, then Disney damn well delivers on its promise.

It’s always advised to spring for the FastPass. To lighten the mood while your still-reeling kids whiz past the normals, point to the waiting children and say, “Looks like their parents didn’t love them enough to pony up for the FastPass.”

Insider tip: During the off-months (Mid-January through March), the crowds are lighter and Disney is better staffed to deal with the panic attack that is likely to occur in a sensitive child who is suddenly presented with such a confusing and traumatic situation.

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About the Author

A PA-based writer and comedian, Jared has written for Parent Co., Funny Or Die, The Comedians and Pet360, among others. As a stand-up comic, He’s performed for audiences as small as three and as large as 1000, and has opened for comics like Jim Breuer, Robert Kelly and Rob Schneider. Follow him on Twitter at @JaredBilski.