Life

Thank-You Notes for Funerals? Apparently, People Expect Those

Recently, a friend of mine posted on social media, asking about the protocol for writing thank-you notes following the funeral of a loved one. And while I had knowledge of this practice prior to seeing her post (and have most certainly received one or two notes in the past), I’d never actually thought much about it. But after reading through the responses and considering the number of funerals for friends and family members I’ve attended in the last 5 or so years, I began deeply contemplating this custom.

For those wondering, yes, sending thank-you notes following a funeral is technically an expected practice. According to Emily Post, “everyone who has sent a personal note, flowers, or a donation should get a written thank-you.” More specifically:

Notes of condolence should be acknowledged with a handwritten note. The only exceptions to this obligation are when the expression of condolence is simply a printed form with no personal message, or when the writer asks that his or her note not be acknowledged (a thoughtful thing to do when writing a close friend, or when someone you know well will receive a great number of condolences).

There is no official time frame for writing notes of appreciation to those who have extended their condolences and kindness to you. The important thing is that you have received comfort from the many who have helped you. For some, writing notes is helpful as they work through their grief; for others it is too difficult to get much done for some time. The best thing is to work things through at your own pace. Another option is to ask a close relative or friend to write some notes on your behalf. It’s up to you.

And you know what I have to say about all this? GOOD GOD IN HEAVEN, NO.

I’m all for manners and etiquette, but COME ON. Is anyone really so desperate for recognition that they would seriously look down upon a grieving friend or acquaintance if they did not receive a thank-you card after sending a condolence note or attending a memorial service? Apparently so, or else Emily Post wouldn’t have covered it in several of the website’s articles. Listen, I can barely remember to have my kids send thank-you cards for their birthday presents. Why on earth would anyone expect somebody who’s probably only marginally holding it together to have the energy to worry about such a trivial thing?

I know you’re thankful I was there. I know you appreciate the love and support your friends and associates have demonstrated. I know you could probably ask somebody else to do it for you. But I don’t need some fancy cardstock with impressive caligraphy to feel better about extending one of the most basic kindnesses imaginable. The best thanks you could give me is to take care of yourself.

Now, if someone truly wants to send a thank-you note? If it helps them process the loss or provides essential distraction? Get after it. I happily accept because it’s all about what makes the bereaved feel better.

But if it’s less catharsis and more burden? That’s like expecting a thank-you in response to a thank-you (which, I’m sure you’ll not be in the least surprised, is also something Emily Post insists we must do):

The rule of thumb is that you should send a written note any time you receive a gift (even a ‘thank you’ gift) and the giver wasn’t there to be thanked in person.

So if I happen to attend the funeral of your loved one or send a condolence note or gift, just know that I do not need a thank-you in return. You focusing on yourself and those closest to you is more than enough.

And don’t expect to get one for attending my funeral, either. Because I’ve officially added “forbid loved ones from worrying about thank-you notes” to the list of things to include in my will.

Seriously, mourners have enough going on, don’t you think?