By Linda Hummel
“Is that real?”
He is five, and the main character in the book we’re reading is facing a tough decision. As he makes up his mind, a tiny elf-like creature—called Conscience—has jumped up, perched on his shoulder, and whispers advice on right and wrong.
[adsanity id=”35664″ align=”aligncenter”/]I tell my grandson that conscience doesn’t exactly work that way, but that everyone has one. Before I can go on, he wants a better answer. A five-year-old, unequivocal one.
“Yeah, but is it real?” It’s the tone of voice he used when he questioned the Easter Bunny, tornadoes, and whether his mom or dad could die. He desperately wanted to believe the first one was real, while with the second two he was just hoping to get good news about his fears.
[adsanity id=”35667″ align=”aligncenter”/]And then I remember how troubling the current state of the world is. I’m not sure what to tell him about conscience. What I’m seeing in the news keeps popping into my head as I search for an answer, and I get stuck there for a bit. I don’t know any of the people creating these depressing headlines, nor did I know their parents or the nannies who had an imprint on their childhoods. I don’t presume to know what they taught these people or what they left out that allows them to look into a television camera and—at best—leave out salient details, or—at worst—lie so arrogantly.
Maybe we need to think about parenting our kids in such a toxic news cycle.
In the ten years since my children starting having their own families, I’ve watched them in the nitty gritty of trying to teach their kids the difference between right and wrong. Between truth and lies. It can be a down-and-dirty spot when your kid looks you straight in the eye, squares his jaw, and says, “No, I didn’t!” when the cookie jar is on the floor in a hundred pieces.
[adsanity id=”35665″ align=”aligncenter”/]It’s easy to give up. We have all succumbed to the fallback position of convincing ourselves that our kids are clever or resourceful or strong-willed when they’re pushed up against the simple truth. It’s tempting to believe that these qualities will get them ahead in life.
Maybe in our hearts, we want our children to be winners all the time because the corollary is too painful to consider. Maybe we believe that sometimes following all the rules gets in the way of the trophy. The revered coach Vince Lombardi was famous for saying, “Winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing,” but I hope he was talking about a football game and not life. Because in life there is winning and losing. There is also right and wrong. They are different things.
Kids who figure that out and internalize it get there from many directions. By talking and reading and absorbing all the nuances and details around them. As the adults in their lives, what we say matters. But what we do matters more. My grandson might not listen when he’s sixteen, but he hears every syllable now. And watches our every move.
[adsanity id=”35666″ align=”aligncenter”/]I want him to be successful in life. But I want him to remember the lessons his parents have already launched: That the rules are for him. And that he is no more important than any other person in this world.
Next time he asks about conscience, I’ll be ready with a better answer.
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About the Author
Linda DeMers Hummel is a Baltimore-based freelancer who writes about family and women and has since the Jimmy Carter administration.