Teacher’s Inbox Already Filled With Annoying Parents

By Zarina Hora

Here are some excerpts of emails already received by a teacher from parents in Brooklyn:

“While we appreciate the gluten-free options, please have your lunch staff refer to ‘french’ fries as potato slices. We don’t want Jaxzon to get any preconceived ideas about different countries. Also, please confirm that the fries are cooked in non-GMO coconut oil. Thanks.”

“I know school dress code prohibits hats, but I’m assuming wearing a trucker cap in an ironic way is okay.”

“Hola (I’m using Spanish to bring attention to the plight of the Dreamers)! I’ve noticed the school no longer gives out participation trophies. I mean, isn’t 80% of success just showing up? Please advise. Gracias.”

“Hi (I’d wish you Happy Holidays but that would just be assuming you adhere to a Judeo Christian belief system). K8lyn won’t be participating in the Holiday Extravaganza as she doesn’t want feelings of cheer and goodwill forced upon her by dogmatic educational institutions that suppress free thought and encourage uniformity.”

“Please don’t burden La-aa (pronounced Ladasha) with homework and addition skills. Being featured in Fortune Magazine’s 6 under 6 Most Influential Child DJs comes with a lot of pressure. Not to mention, she is developing a hip-hop clothing line.”

“Please be advised, Olive will not be participating in any activities surrounding Black History Month as our family doesn’t see ‘color.'”

“I’m up in arms (Don’t worry, it’s just a saying. I would never own a gun. lol) that Yennifer will not be offered an attendance trophy just because she ‘missed’ some school when she took a gap year! After all, what’s the 4th grade without Paris?”

“Hi, I understand Mykel is currently working on his level 2 Reiki certification, but please remind him to not put his hands on my little Emilie, unless she consents.”

“Hello. Salinger came home today and told me that because of the heavy rain, the kids were inside for child-led, child-directed creative play (aka recess) and they were shown a MOVIE!?? We have a strict policy against screen time. Why are teachers soooo lazy? When it rains, maybe teach them coding. Or what about origami?”

“Umm…not to be one of those parents, but it’s the third day of kindergarten and I noticed that the schedule doesn’t allow for communal gardening. Per our Pediatrician, Tutu needs to connect with the earth at least three times a week so she doesn’t have a nervous breakdown. Please advise.”

“I was wondering what accommodations you have in Kindergarten for breastfeeding parents. I was planning to stop in during circle time to feed Doniel so he can ease into a milk coma for nap time. I will be co-sleeping with him then, too. Hopefully that won’t be a distraction.”

“Please remember that next month, the PTA will be holding their annual Spring Bake Sale to raise money for hypoallergenic, all natural, paleo-vegan sand for the playground. My homemade contribution will be $15 dollar avocado toast. For an extra $2.00, I will sprinkle cumin on it. We hope we can count on teachers’ support!”

“Please note, Piper will be taking a mental health day today. Also, I won’t apologize for her burning her training bra during sharing time yesterday. Sorry, not Sorry.”

“My husband will be late for pick up tomorrow as there is a new craft IPA being released by BK Brew and our app estimates that he will be in line for seven hours. But I’ll try to leave my job as Creative Director of Vegetables at the Co-op early to be there as soon as possible.”

“I noticed Atticus got an ‘F’ on his math quiz. Don’t assume you are smarter than a child just because you’re older.”

“Hello, Please be informed that this is Arrow’s last day here at Park Slope Elementary. We’re really sick of all the hipsters and yuppies gentrifying this area and ruining its authenticity. So we are moving to Bushwick.”


About the Author

Zarina Hora resides in Long Beach, CA with her husband and 2 furbabies. She is a lawyer by day and a comedic improviser by night.