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Tainted Buffet Leads to On-Stage Diarrhea Fest at Jacksonville Strip Club

This just in–A Jacksonville strip club relived the barfing scene in Stand By Me, except with projectile diarrhea.

So here’s the poop scoop:

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On Friday, a Jacksonville strip club was offering a free buffet, from which both dancers and patrons filled themselves with ribs, chicken, and deep-fried shrimp, because of course. That’s when all hole hell broke loose.

According to one waitress, three dancers were gyrating performing on different poles when a pungent odor filled the air. It was getting so stinky that the horny weirdos gentlemen spectators began looking around the club to find the source of the odor.

The source? Dancer one (we’ll call her Chastity, because of course) could not perform a proper butt clench to hold in her sudden urge to “purge” and sprayed the stage down with brown liquid.

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The audience began puking.

Then more dancers shat themselves.

Then there was a mad dash on the men’s room when the sleazy creepster community regulars contracted diarrhea as well (which is probably the third worst thing they’ve contracted at this club.)

Then everyone regretted eating the shrimp (which is probably the third worst thing they’ve regretted doing at this club.)

Cleaners reported fecal contamination all over the venue, including in the sinks. Reader, hear me: THEY WERE SHITTING IN THE MOTHER FLOGGING SINKS.

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Pole dance? More like hole dance.

Whip and Nay Nay? More like drip and spray spray.

Love you down? More like paint you brown.

Bedroom eyes? More like soiled thighs.

Thrust on the podium? More like pass the Imodium.

Call me a prude, but I’m over here like Judgy McJudgerson just laughing my ass off because it serves them right. I mean for eating free buffet shrimp. What, do you think I’m hating on strippers? Nah. Those girls are shitting laughing all the way to the bank.

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