That’s right, there are drug-resistant, super mutant scalp vampires invading our children’s hair and I, for one, am scared shitless.

What we have here is a conundrum. It seems that our parasitic enemies have built up a genetic resistance to over-the-counter medications — the same medicine we’ve been effectively using for the past ten years. What does this mean for YOU? It means those little fuckers aren’t leaving without a fight, and by fight, I mean shoot me. Personally, I think my child would look adorable in ANY hairstyle, but the more I keep hearing about these death-defying vermin, the more I think bald is where it’s at.

What is going on in the world of medicine? Why hasn’t the CDC come up with a super PILL that will ward off super bugs and super lice so we can spend our super ridiculous days not being super paranoid?

When we were kids, we went to the doctor, and the doctor gave us purple medicine that was oddly delicious. Then we got better. If we got sick again, we went back to the doctor, and he gave us more purple medicine. Again, we licked our lips and got better. The medicine worked; it always worked, and it was the same purple shit every time —for years. What happened to the purple shit? Why did we stop using it?

Last year, my daughter had strep throat twice in a row. So did several other kids at her school. The doctor wrote a prescription for some white shit and told her to take it three times a day, but the white shit didn’t work (plus, it tasted like ass chalk). So, we called the doctor back and she wrote a new prescription for some other white shit that tasted even worse. Luckily (despite the need for shackles and a straight jacket), that white shit did the trick, but if she takes it again, it may not.

We have been fortunate enough to evade the lice dynasty for the past eight years, but it’s only a matter of time before they catch up to us. Then what? The thought of Teenage Mutant Ninja Lice latching onto my daughter’s delicate skull and sucking it into a pebbly dust is freaking my ass out. I can’t do it; I cannot deal with insect deportation on Rapunzel’s 70-foot-long locks of entanglement! I mean, those things are like storm troopers. They’re not just going to bow down to a homeopathic treatment unless you drown them in that shit, and Tea Tree Oil is $10 for one little pocket-sized ounce! So I ask, “What is a mother to do?”

I have heard horror stories about head lice and what it takes to get rid of them, and let me tell you … it sounds like a lot of work that I’m not willing to do. For starters, you have to pour medicine (that may or may not be effective) all over your kid’s itchy scalp while trying not to spill it in their eyes (yeah, that sounds like a blast). Then you have to comb out the carcasses (or live creepers) with a fine–toothed nit comb without throwing up. And when you’re done with that, guess what YOU get to do? You get to clean and sterilize everything that your infested spawn may have worn or used prior to treatment (which, for the record, is your entire fucking house). Even then, there is no guarantee that your killing spree will be a success.

But now, there are super lice: super microscopic bug thugs that are going to spit that over-the-counter shit right in your neurotic face. Oh sure, they’ll probably die once they spring from your kid’s head and land on the couch cushion, but EWWW!!! Are you kidding me?

The way I see it, our protection has become quite limited. We can either cross our fingers while praying for a bug-free existence or stock up on hoodies, swim caps and razors.

See, I told you bald is where it’s at!