By Mock Mom
In a world full of news that’s constantly pushing the narratives of the oppressed, do you ever find yourself standing in front of your chrome double fountain sink with the varnished Peruvian pebble backsplash, clutching your Kaufman vintage linen curtains and wishing that you and your dreams had adequate representation?
Tired of seeing beautiful WASP-y faces on the sitcoms that look and dress like you, yet serve as nothing but vessels for the Hollywood Liberals to push their agenda of acceptance and tolerant virtue signaling that threatens the very future of you and your ilk?
Are you fed up with being called a “Karen” because your name is actually Susan, and it’s an important name handed down to you from a distant relative that was Southern royalty (but she wasn’t racist-racist, because at the time owning slaves was ok!)?
Are you completely over people assuming negative things about you, things that aren’t true! You are a totally open, totally accepting individual, and believe all people are entitled to the freedom to seek liberty and the pursuit of happiness- as long as those people are doing so where they belong, which is CERTAINLY not in your backyard.
Sounds like Suburban Lifestyle Barbie is the representation you need!
Inspired by the immortal words of our Commander in Chief, Suburban Lifestyle Barbie is an archetype doll made for clean, educated, respectful women- just like you!
Suburban Lifestyle Dream Barbie: The Details
Suburban Lifestyle Dream Barbie comes with many different pertinent accessories, values, and characteristics such as:
- Drives a yuge SUV (complete with Jesus fish)
- Posts inspiration porn/toxic positive stuff like “good vibes only.” Wonders why people can’t just get along.
- She comes with an “All lives matter” sign
- Wears tennis skirts to “the club” and/or $500 leggings, underpays her immigrant housekeeper & calls her the wrong name, posts about her rights being taken away on FB because her nail chipped & she had to look at it for a week
- Comes with the newest iPhone to call CPS on the Wall of Moms
- Comes with white capris and casseroles (served in a monogrammed joke dish that reads: Karen’s Kickasserole)
- She calls people who wear masks “sheeple”
- Claims to love nature but gets lawn sprayed as much as possible
- Mobile phone with shortcut icon to NextDoor ready to ask about “suspicious” black kids trying to sell “Girl Scout Cookies”
- Live Laugh Love sign
- Hair the texture of cotton candy from too much bleach
- Smells of pumpkin spice
- Stick figure people stickers on the back of her car, each with a gun
- Trash bin full of recyclables
- Michelob Light
- She doesn’t vaccinate her kids but thinks essential oils cure anything
- Her shirt says #BossBabe
- Kate Gosselin “lemme hit up ya manager” hairdo
- 4 kids named Aiden, Jayden, Caden & Heighden
- All her wall art is from nights out at the “Wine & Canvas, Painting with a twist” She has 32 paintings.
- Her Book Club reads “The Help” every other month. And “book club” is just code for “blackout drinking with the other Karens.”
- Token black friend that she talks about lots but nobody has seen
- She comes with a Costco membership
- Got a Groupon for lasik surgery and won’t STFU about it
- Finds the flavored Goldfish “too spicy”
- Drinks Lime-a-Rita’s and they remind her of when she met her husband as spring breakers at Señor Frog’s in Cancun
- Racially profiles all passerby’s in her neighborhood and then posts about it on the Nextdoor app under the heading “concerned about suspicious men going around our street” it’s like, Karen, that’s Gary. He & Sylvia have lived here 10 years.
- Just joined a #weightloss group and wants you to know she #loves #keto #keto4life #omnomketo #Imworthit #goalgetter
- She comes with a set of pearls for clutching
- A true fan of lit-rally anything from GOOP
- She can be found live, laugh, loving in her blessed mess
- She comes with her own “Mommy Juice Box” and lots of bath bomb because sometimes mommy needs a break too
- Shiplapped every room in her house and now it looks like a Lumber Liquidators projectile vomited all over
- Started a “business” refurbishing old furniture hutches into shabby chic wine bars with chalk paint. Has made negative $4,000 because they’re hideous
- Will cut any bitch who tries to change the layout of the PTA fall festival
- Calls COVID the “China virus”
- Haggles with sellers on Facebook Marketplace and then never shows up to buy her item (also lists her cruddy-ass Coach purses from six years ago and tries to charge like $50 less than what she paid for them because “they maintain their value”)
BUY YOURS TODAY FOR THE LOW, LOW COST OF YOUR VERY SOUL.
Special thanks to the following Mock Moms: Crystal Lowery, Joanna McClanahan, Jennifer Rosen-Heinz, Leslie Gaar, Sam Wassel, Serena Dorman, Karen Johnson, Kelly Hoover Greenway, and Melanie Madamba