Stuff My 3-Year-Old Says: From the Mouths of Babes
Humor Parenting

Stuff My 3-Year-Old Says: From the Mouths of Babes

Stuff My 3-Year-Old Says: From the Mouths of Babes

Arden turned three in March, but has run the roost since she was just a couple months old. We knew that she’d be a spitfire but, given the choice, I still would have preferred a spitfire over a wallflower.

I’ll likely be eating those words when she’s a teenager.

As parents, part of our job is embarrassing our kids, usually not on purpose, when they get older. This entails showing up at school drop-off in our pajamas, answering the phone when their friends call, and generally just breathing and being alive.

On the other hand, when our kids are young, we pray they won’t say anything in public that is mortifying or likely to get us shot. Like loudly commenting about the overweight lady eating a hot dog in her bikini at the beach. Or the stinky European guy at Disney with the long armpit hair. The list goes on.

So far, in her first three years, Arden’s managed so say some hilarious things. Luckily, none have gotten us shot. Here are some of the gems:

Arden: Mommy, what’s that mole doing on your chin?

Me: It’s not a mole. It’s a beauty mark.

Arden: No. Pretty sure it’s a mole.

Arden: Mommy, can I wear this princess dress to school?

Me: No. It’s a 5t and you wear a 3t. You can wear it when you get bigger.

Arden: Okay. And when I get bigger, I can drink beer and wine and coffee.

Arden: Mommy, put Elle’s hand on the stove.

Background: Arden and her girlfriend, Emerson, are each enjoying their own brownie sundaes.

Husband: Arden, can I have some of your brownie?

Arden: Hey Emerson, wanna give my Daddy a bite of your brownie?

Arden [pointing at food that dropped on the floor]: Don’t eat that- it’s a casualty.

Me, trying to diffuse a temper tantrum: Arden, stop the drama.

Arden [dramatically]: This isn’t drama. It’s real life.

My sister: Arden, what noise does a pig make?

Arden: Oink, oink.

My sister: What noise does a cow make?

Arden: Moo.

My sister: What noise does Kuma [our geriatric Labrador, who practically has one paw on the plank of the rainbow bridge] make?

Arden: pants heavily with tongue out.

Background: Arden is in the car seat returning home from a trip to the grocery store with my mom.

Arden: Grammy, I have to go potty.

Grammy: You need to hold it for a little while.

Arden [confused]: Do I hold it in my hands?

Man, I can’t get enough of this kid.

What are some of your favorite things your kids have said?

The Honey Badger herself, when she was almost 2.